Jackie Jormp Jomp

This week I am mostly going to be channelling Janis Joplin. Auld Janis has been in my thoughts a lot this weekend after I watched the BBC Four documentary Janis Joplin: Little Girl Blue (watch it here). It may shock you to know that I honestly didn't know much about Janis before this weekend - and I do have a bit of a penchant for those musical icons who are no longer with us, especially at their peak. I discovered Jeff Buckley in 2004 and off that sprung a liking for other artists of a similar ilk, such as Elliot Smith and my beautiful Nick Drake (introduced to me via my dad and a BBC Radio 2 documentary narrated by Bard Pitt). Their tender souls cushioning me through the horror show of my twenties. Comforting me as I cried myself to sleep again, over some study stress, boy trouble or the weight of having to carry on living through the pain of depression.The Jeff phrase used to get a bit dark when watching Live in Chicago after nights out my friends had to calm me down, assuring me he was still alive somewhere. Now I am much more comfortable with the idea of the porch in heaven, where those greats as sitting, jamming all day long. 

So back to Janis, my Janis education began when I started watching 30 Rock not so long ago. Tina Fey fans and soul music fans, I can see you reading this shaking your head. I loved Jenna Maroney, a very shallow, so very shallow character, trying to grasp onto the complexities of Janis' character, something that is so beyond her that the writers leap at the chance to edit Janis' wikipedia page in order to fool Jenna into doing some pretty awful things. Like eating a cat, luckily Frank stops her in time. The combination of Jenna and Janis is perfect. At first I just liked the idea of the vain and self obsessed Jenna playing a spaced out hippy from the summer of love. Having watched the documentary this weekend, I am understanding this joke runs a little bit deeper than that. 

The documentary starts out talking about Janis as a school girl, and what a girl she was - she believed in the civil rights movement, even when it made her an outcast at her school and lead to her being picked on by fellow classmates. She was also picked on for her appearance, having bad skin and a different style to the others in her year. Well this is when I started to get it bad for Janis, all through school I never felt that I fit in. I always felt other to everyone else. I had a group of two or three good friends, with a few others who came and went over the years. Usually leaving to hang out with the popular kids for a while. I don't mean that I was some kind of social pariah either, I just liked doing my own thing, being my own person with my own interests and those tended not to interest many people I knew. I am pretty sure I was the world's biggest Muse fan in 2000/1/2, and no one in my year was really that fussed so this is one of many examples I could put in here. My fandom for Muse was intense, listening to both Showbiz and Origin of Symmetry before bed, memorising not only the lyrics but the duration in minutes and seconds of each track. This intensity and ability to get carried away in things stands me in good stead for catching up with all things Janis. 

I enjoyed Janis finding herself when she moved out of her home town, finally finding a home to call her own in Haight - Ashbury, San Fransisco. In the documentary, (I have tried to find the image), there was a picture of her sitting on her steps, with her new friends, looking so happy - noting to her family in a letter something along the lines of 'they are so cool, and that's how they always dress'. The letters, and unplayed audio gave me as a viewer a real feel of how Janis was seen by her family, and as it used her own words how she saw herself. Oh the fashion, the fashion was amazing. Every single item of clothing she owned was perfection. I am trying to work out of my home town in ready for me cutting about the high street with a feather boa tied to the back of my hair. Not many people can pull that off the way Janis could. This will be one of the ways I am going to be channeling Janis this week, pushing my own boundaries in a fashion sense. 

I have three wardrobes, a chest of drawers and a double bed all full of / covered in clothes. I have spoken about my mental health problems in previous posts, sometimes saying that I lost my love of fashion and music when I lost my mental wellbeing. I wear almost a uniform of clothes that I believe will keep me safe, or not make me feel like I am standing out when my brain is telling me that everyone is staring at me. Also my worst fear is having a panic attack/ bursting into tears with major make up and a proper jazzy outfit on. I have found safety in a somewhat normal wardrobe. Today's outfit for example a white striped top (of which I have three, because I like it so much) and black jeans (I have two pairs of these, one pair that feels better to wear on a day to day basis, the other's a back up), teamed with my Liberty London print Superga's - jazzy. I try to tell myself that this is all part of growing older, calming down my style, refining it. Well now I am saying fuck it! What is the point in having a wardrobe full of brightly coloured silks, beautiful scarves, and some right jazzy pieces in general if I am not going to wear them.I know what Janis would do - she would have an absolute field day with my wardrobe, layering pieces, bringing outfits together from things that I wouldn't never have dreamed going together. Safe to say if you see me in the next wee while, I am pushing my style boundaries, please do not cross the street to avoid me. Especially if I am dressed like someone who has just discovered lost luggage from the Hotel Chelsea in the 60s. 

'Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to loose', from Joplin's version of Me and Bobby McGee jumped right out at me when I was listening to her when I started writing this - what seems like weeks ago, it was in fact only last night. I need to make this my mantra. And here is the important bit - a positive mantra. My brain constantly plays me its own movie creation called 'What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen Here' when I am feeling particularly anxious, be it passing out in Tesco, passing out while out walking, passing out while driving.....lot of passing out. So I am going to say this to myself to keep myself going, to keep pushing forward. I need to free myself. If I don't I loose everything I have worked so hard for this far, and that is not happening anytime soon - because 'I'm gonna show you baby, that a woman can be tough'. 

Janis - I love you, and I am looking forward to our week together. Sans the drugs part obvs. 

(All images were sourced from google as I am a lazy toad)

Easter

So Easter has gone a little strange. I should probably start out by saying that although I am Christian, I'm not an off to the church every Sunday kind of Christian. I am not sure if it is because the church seems quite old fashioned (once again I am not there every Sunday so I don't know), or if it is the obvious fact that is takes place on a Sunday morning - the only time that I have seen a Sunday morning in recent times was when I was doing my hypnotherapy course, other than that I'm usually awake for Sunday lunch time. I am somewhat of a Quality Street Christian - picking out the toffee pennies, and leaving the rubbish green triangles, I take the bits I like about helping and being kind, and leave the weird bits that seems to have been written by some very angry men.

In the run up to Easter I watched Mary Berry's two part Easter feast special. It really was a lovely programme. She met many different people from different types of Christianity, from different parts of the world. The whole idea of the programme was learning about all types of traditions over the Easter weekend, finding out what different people made for their post Lent feasts, and bringing everyone together at the end for an Easter feast down Mary's local Church hall (I am assuming that is where they were). There were lovely parts of the programme where she brought the viewer into her home to see her own traditions with her own family. She met up with John Sentamu ('a lovely man with a lovely kitchen', my mum was pretty taken with the Archbishop of York's accommodation), and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. I felt honoured to watch their conversation as they shared in the grief of loosing a child, and how they coped with such a loss with their faith. And by talking about their grief they shared the meaning of Easter. Which is hope, The Archbishop of Canterbury went on to share this message in his sermon on Sunday, where he discussed the bombings in Brussels saying "On Easter Day hope decisively overcame fear".

For me this is what my own religious beliefs are about, seeing the light in the darkness, being given a little bit of help and guidance through the worst times, and giving thanks for the best.  

I am not sure how much of that message was shared yesterday as I looked through Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Seeing presents laid out for children like Christmas morning. Maybe another question would be - would people bother with this if there wasn't this showing off/ over sharing on Facebook? Easter has become commercialised, and it feels very wrong. I saw it creeping in when I worked in GAP (I know who am I to talk), people buying, in fairness, a wee t-shirt in the sale (I worked in Baby GAP), rather than buying a kid a chocolate egg. I am down with that. Jamie Oliver is most certainly down with that, although he is in my bad books this week. That was about ten years ago and things seem to have escalated pretty quickly. I saw someone that I follow on twitter also lamenting about XXL Easter, saying she couldn't believe what people were giving their kids - when one of her followers asked what kind of presents, she said - 'a bike'. Now there is a Christmas present if ever I saw one. 

In the interests of honesty I should also disclose that I like things - I like clothes, I like make up, I like owning more books than I can read in a life time and the same with DVDs. This whole Easter thing really rubs me up the wrong way. I want to run about screaming - 'you are missing the point of this, you are missing the point - if this is what you think Easter is about, then what else are you missing the point of in life?!'. All this need for stuff and things and documenting it on the internet is getting a bit weird. 

So what will Easter look like for me when and if I have kids. I would imagine Easter Egg rolling, a couple of Easter Eggs, maybe a Lindt bunny, and a big family dinner. Gasps - I know I don't even have kids and am telling other people what to do with theirs. It's honestly not that, it is about taking back what is important from commercial profit. Appreciating time spent with family and loved ones, telling shops selling Easter gifts to shove it. Painting hardboiled eggs, chucking them down a hill in your local park, and leaving before the smell of multiple smashed eggs becomes too much.

Typical Girls

Over the past few months I have been thinking about feminism, and how I feel about it and how it relates to my life. I have been trying to read as much about it as possible, and this lead to me reading Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys by Viv Albertine. As part of my misspent twenties - or the wilderness years as I like to think of them, I DJed at a few different venues around Glasgow. I loved DJing, I was totally inspired by Queens of Noize, who spent the 00s running club nights in London, writing for NME, and hosting shows on MTV2 and 6music. I loved that they played such a mix of different styles of music, mixed with all the latest and coolest sounds. They were so knowledgable about music, perfectly able to mix the old and new. They weren't just saying they were into bands to impress guys - music meant as much to them as it did to me. When I got my first DJ gig with my lovely friend CJ, I messaged Mairead Nash (who more recently has managed Florence Welsh) on myspace (I know) and asked her if she had any advice, and what songs she was liking at the moment. She suggested I play Generator by the Holloways, The Bouncer covered by Klaxons, and Going Nowhere by Cut Copy. Songs that I still enjoy to this day. My favourite thing about Queens of Noize was that they were right up there in midst of all this indie rock n roll boys club. Their DJ sets always seemed like a big party, where dancing and having fun seemed to be as important as picking the next record. They were just the coolest. 

Reading Viv Albertine's memoir about her journey into music in the 70s really resonated with my own time DJing. It even relates to the above NME article which lived on my wall for five years. Being a girl who is into music means you only want to sleep with guys in bands, nothing about what you think their music is like apparently. I certainly felt some male bias in my life as a DJ, I went to Greece on holiday in like 2005 and there were a few indie bars, I had taken over a few CDs with me, and asked one of them if I could do an hour set. Afterwards they said I was good, but was a bit heavy on females artists. At the times I didn't think much of it - other than -fuck! I better look out some Oasis, but now it makes me so angry. Surely hearing some great female indie music has to be better than the same old crap over and over again. Lads with swagger that I don't relate to - sorry but I live my life through the eyes of a woman and that's my main point of reference I'm afraid. Oops a bit of the rage popping out there. For the most part though I never felt that at the places I worked in Glasgow, big shout out to Maggie Mays and Slouch! I feel that at Maggie's I really managed to get that whole let's have a big party and listen to music vibe going. I think that was helped by exploring different genre's of music which Viv says was so important in the sound of The Slits. To be stuck in a mind set where you only listen to one genre of music is completely alien to me - I almost feel claustrophobic thinking about it. Although to be fair I will never ever listen to happy hardcore, is that even music.

I love when Viv is describing The Slits as a band they sound vulgar, which is what I really like in my female performers. I like performers who make you feel uncomfortable. I love women playing guitars and screaming lyrics. Give me Stevie screaming Rhiannon any day over some whispery vocal act that seems to be churned out by record companies far too often. This makes me think of Ellie Goulding, remember when she brought out her first album? Did an advert for John Lewis and we were all like, ooh what a unique sound. Then record companies jumped all over it, and it feels like so many female artists are now just Ellie Goulding knock offs, and even she has gotten tired of that, prefering to put out pop/dance tracks with Calvin Harris. What is being a female indie performer when the real money for women is made in pop?

When I was writing this I finally got round to watching Rihanna's new video - wow. She is the man! Honestly. It is vulgar perfection. I personally don't think there is anything sexy or degrading about it. I am sure I can hear now people saying - the children, someone think of the children. Well you know what - don't let your kids watch it!

Possibly what I liked most about Viv's (I call her by her first name as I feel we are friends now) book is that she has had to go on and rebuild her life a quite a few times. Guess what I can totally relate to that! When The Slits spilt she was completely at a loss, and writes about this time in her life with such honesty. Every chapter is so honest - it is fantastic writing and one hundered percent punk because of that. After the band broke up she couldn't listen to music for three years, this I got. When my anxiety was really bad I couldn't listen to any music, or at least any music that meant anything to me. So I spent my time listening to watered down pop, not the best time of my life - for oh so many reasons. When Viv talks about rebuiding herself towards the end of her marriage, I felt like she was speaking to me, and where I am in my life now. She had closed off her past self to give her life as a wife and mother a chance, but in doing so she was denying the artist in her a life. I feel like I have spent so much time getting myself well again that I have almost closed off parts of myself, like my artistic and creative side. I know over the next few months this part of me is going to blossom again - I am throwing myself back into music and fashion, two passions which have been somewhat neglected of late. I may as well keep you all updated on here to see how that goes. I am going to learn how to play the guitar. I feel lucky to have so many great female role models in music, when Viv started - she had none, she became her own role model and in doing that became mine too. 

Right here are my top ten female artists - I haven't included Kylie in this because my love for her should be a post in itself.

1. Stevie Nicks 

2. Annie Hardy (Giant Drag) 

3.PJ Harvey 

4. Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

5. Shakespear's Sister (I had some confusing feelings after watching this video as a child)

 6. Florence Welsh

7. Honeyblood 

8.Sleater Kinney

9. Nico

10. Kate Bush (Svaing the best til last)

 

Free Your Pits

I am not sure what it is, if it's the recent blast of sunny weather or my growing interest in what being a woman means to me, but I have become properly obsessed with body hair and personal grooming. Yuk - personal grooming, how gross does that sound?! 

So I was a teenager in the 00s, what a sad time that was for body hair. Pretty much as soon as you had any you began an epic battle to get rid of it. I have red hair, so my body hair is pretty light. This doesn't matter though if you are headed into a secondary school gym hall in a pair of shorts. I think the first time I shaved my legs I was in primary 7, it was pretty much a case of - well all the other girls are doing it, so I should too. This really sticks out for me because as a kid and teenager I was pretty happy doing my own thing, I think I just felt this would make me feel grown up. At the time I was using an electric razor that my mum had - hello hygiene, which on reflection didn't actually remove any hair. After that I graduated to a Wilkinson Sword razor, I can't remember what it was called, but I think it was lilac in colour - you know so you pay more for it. The first time I used it I was amazed by how silky smooth my legs felt, a feeling I still enjoy today, but it less frequent because I don't spend quite as much time and care shaving my legs as I used to. I remember shaving my legs in the mornings before PE, and my dad going mental cos I was in the shower so long I used up all the hot water. 

That's the legs- I used to shave my legs at least once a week, more if it was summer or I was going on a night out where you need your legs looking your best i.e. hairless. I think I will come back to the full routine of my 20s in a bit because it gets me a bit exhausted thinking about it. 

As a teenager I was obsessed with smooth armpits. The thought of wearing a vest top or one of those lovely strapless Tammy Girl crop tops with out shaving my pits, was pretty much unthinkable. It was gross, and quite frankly was not my idea of what a teenage girl should look like. I don't think the girls from Steps were running about in their stunning 00s outfits with armpit fuzz on display.

I started watching Sex And The City when I was about 15, I used it as my guide to womanhood. I was pretty certain I would grow up and write for Vogue, have a full designer wardrobe and sink cocktails every night with three fabulous but so different you were really confused as to how you all became friends friends. In the episode 'Sex And Another City', we see Carrie getting a brazilian, well not the full thing, just the facial expressions that go with someone ripping hair from your groin. The LA episodes are some of my favourite episodes, and as this type of television is so (watch out for the buzzword) aspirational, I could not wait to get one myself. It was such a sure sign of successful womanhood. Like I said I was 15, so there was no need at all for a brazilian. I think I am telling you this to give you an idea of how intense the media pressure was for girls of my generation was to remove any body hair you had.

This SATC episode really did start to form the basis of my personal grooming regime. For most of my 20s, oh when I think about this....., it feels like so much time and money was wasted on hair removal, time that could be spent on sitting down and money that could be spent on alcohol (sorry I mean university recommended reading). Once a week, usually coinciding with a big night out would be the day of hair removal, that's when I would go for the long shower. I'd start by Immac'ing the bikini area, have you ever used Immac/Veet - is it gross, burns if it is left on too long and stinks. Yes you are putting chemicals onto your skin that will burn your skin if they are left on too long. After like the most boring 10 mins of my life, time to pop in the shower, get rid of the smell best you can, wash your body, head hair - (don't bother with any other hair - it is coming off anyway), then a leave in conditioner. After the conditioner is applied, that's your time to shave the legs, pits and any parts the immac left. I need a nap just writing that down. The worst bit of shaving your legs living in a freezing student flat is that when you're getting changed into your clothes, you'll get a shiver and bam your legs are hairy again. I also forgot to mention all the body scrubbing as well, to get rid of all the ingrown hairs that I had created myself.

Now, I am pretty much of the opinion, if my no one is seeing my legs they are going to be hairy. I have even worn nude tights because I can't be bothered shaving my legs - so not fashion, but very much K Middy at a Royal Event. I know some of you will be thinking - oh but what if a guy is going to see my legs?! My answer is simple - black opaque hold ups. Super sexy, and the hairy legs stay hidden, or get your legs out - guys do not care. If they do that is another story all together. 

I feel recently there has been a move away from all this hair removal, well maybe not all of it. Pubic hair seems to be getting a little less sphinx cat and more seventies porn. I for one am behind this. Maybe it's being lazy, but I am quite enjoying not smelling Veet on my skin. Gywinnie has spoken about her 70s vibe going on , and even after speculation that Cameron Diaz made her get rid of it, Cameron agrees it has a purpose. Armpit hair has also made a come back, most recently Miley Cyrus has dyed her's pink - and I love it. I am not sure if it is my commitment to the 90s grunge look, I have decided to grow out my own (my younger self who was horrified by Julia Roberts hairy pits will be shocked). So far I am about 5 days in - I'm aiming for about two weeks, just to see if I like it. Might even dye it pink as well. 

All we need is for Kim K to rock it, and we will have a trend....sigh... Imagine if Kim K did for arm pit hair what she has done for contouring.

My love letter to Valentine's Day.

I cannot get enough of Valentine's day. I just love it. It is a kind of weird day split between romantic couples and sad, lonely singles. I however don't see it like that - and I don't know that I ever have. I'm gonna talk you through my history of loving love day! I think to start with I always loved getting valentine's cards, even although they were always from my parents when I was a kid (and I wasn't aware, or maybe was but just pretended I wasn't), it was so exciting! Who was my mystery admirer - although surely your scope for suitors has to be pretty small when you're a kid, yukky boys from school or maybe like one of the Power Rangers, the red one probably. So I guess that happens for a few years until it gets weird for your Dad to send you the card.

Then before you know it you are a teenager, in my head I am pretty adamant that (in my group of friends), the guys and girls didn't really fancy each other and just liked hanging out. Plus I was a ginger - so I'm not sure I was that fanciable as a teenager. I think this is when I got into the proper romance of valentines though. I am about to share with you images of one of my prized belongings - and no it's not more photos of my teddy bear Important Ted. I have a massive magazine collection, which has everything in it from australian bridal magazines to old copies of Kerrang! with Muse on the front cover. Yes, that is correct I am about to show you an old battered copy of the Sunday Herald Magazine from 11th February 2002.

So for starters it has the most beautiful imagine of Marilyn Monroe - much replicated and never bettered - I'm looking at you Lohan.

Possibly the most influential part of this magazine on my 15 year old self was the amazing article on Joe Corre and Serena Rees and their lingerie company Agent Provocateur. I'm not kidding - for my 21st birthday when a lot of my friends were getting jewellery and other keepsakes - I got my first full set of Agent Provocateur lingerie. From the Love collection if you're interested. I think this is where I got the idea that Valentine's should be a day of luxury and extravagance, spoiling yourself if there is no one else to do it. For being 15 I was oh so wise I think you'll agree. It was at about this time at Agent Provocateur released a collaboration with Marks and Spencer, which of course I managed to treat myself to, it was the only way at that time I was getting anywhere near to owning AP underwear myself. Cringingly perhaps was that during the sunday herald article they mentioned S&M quite a bit, and I was like Mum - they keep on typing M&S wrong - silly journalists. So I was wise, but still a little innocent.

Then as mentioned on the front cover there is a section on celebrities between the sheets. These images are too cute not to share. 

Oh Sunday Herald how punny are you - The Lie-In King. Yes. Anyways - back to me, I think for the next couple of years I had a boyfriend so got right into the whole valentines thing - and by that I don't mean OTT cards and teddy bears holding silky red love hearts (totally fine if you are into that, I just don't happen to be), I mean that I gave him my last Rolo - remember when that was a thing (?), oh and that year he gave me tickets to see Jimmy Eat World. I do still feel bad about that! 

When I went to uni Valentines became all about friends - I was so very single during my time at uni, I think I was too busy being ill - or having fun - maybe studying, but mostly being ill. During my time at the Candy Store - the most magical student flat that was ever created, we used to have a Valentine's Day which we affectionately called the Valentine's Day Massacre, it usually involved lunch, day drinking, shopping and a trip to Ann Summers. It really was always a riot and I think of it fondly.

So what does Valentine's Day involve this year? Needless to say I have been super excited about Valentine's since about 20th January. I am single this year - in keeping with the theme of my twenties, and as it turns out I am quite enjoying it. I am spending the day with the love of my life*. I've had a kind of small love, big hate relationship with myself over the past 10 or so years (see previous posts to discover the shit show that has been my 20s), and now I feel that I can look at myself and be with myself in a way that is only loving on this Valentines. I think it is easy to be anti-valentine's when you are single, but who needs that kind of hate in their life? I am spending today doing my favourite things, eating yummy food, drinking champagne and at some point I will have a Lush bath with some of their lovely Valentine's day collection. So whatever you do today, have a great time and remember all love comes from within.

Heather xxx

*It's me dumbass.

Oh Fame.

Just in case y'all were snoozing last week - I was in the paper! Speaking out about mental health, depression, self harm, panic attacks and all those lovely topics. On the bright side I got to mention how hypnotherapy was helped me. You can read the article here. 

Enjoy xxx

I Went From Zero To My Own Hero

And I'm back.... talk about your sporadic blogging. Sorry. All I wish to say is that I have been super busy, getting back into life again. There have been some big changes. I have started driving again, which is something I hadn't done for ages as I was scared about having a panic attack while driving. That feels like another life time ago now that I am back driving, I don't think about it. I'm just doing small local journeys just now, but I'll just keep on building on this, going longer and further drives until I get my confidence back completely.

I have also started eating meat again, after being a veggie for almost 10 years. For the first few days I tried fish, which I loved, and then went onto a big ole steak at the end of the week. It feels so weird to eat meat again, I think I feel better for it. That's just a personal thing, and I think when yo've had ill health you'll try anything to get better. Such as changing your diet - I don't think my veggie diet was that great, so hopefully my diet will be better now. It is also so nice to eat the same food as everyone else, and not feel like a fussy child when I'm at a restaurant. IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR ALL EATING ESTABLISHMENTS- not all vegetarians like mushrooms and/or goat's cheese, it might be better to fire in some stuffed peppers or something like that to the mix. Rant over. Phew.

As you can see from the photos I have also gone back to a bit of the old dip dye. Which again feels pretty good. I'm actually starting to care about how I look again. It wasn't too great when I went through the phase of wearing the same thing all the time, and not bothering with make up. So not me when I'm feeling 100%. I love make up too much!!

What else? I have gone back to singing lessons. I used to go to singing lessons when I was a teenager, but never really spent a lot of time performing. Now I'm well again, I want to get into performing and song writing. All things that fell onto the back burner when I wasn't well.

My Mum and Dad were on holiday at the start of August. They spent time at the boat, and I went along too. It was lovely, and the weather was pretty good. Not as nice as it had been a few weeks before, but that suited me fine as I don't think I could cope with sunburn again - I know I know, SPF is my friend. I just never get to see the sun so I forgot what kind of damage it would do.

Yeah I know the sunburn looks amazing - at least it matches my Ray Bans. And the wee sleepy pup on my lap is Sophie, she's 13, which is pretty old for a cocker spaniel, but she'll always be a puppy in my eyes. Barf- that was a bit soppy but I do love my wee dug.

There are also a few other things that are in motion just now, hopefully I'll be able to talk about them soon. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Thanks for reading,

Heather xxx