tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87118263520612316002024-03-14T05:40:09.483-07:00Free Her DesireHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-16827036356958808072019-07-08T12:14:00.001-07:002019-07-08T12:19:46.505-07:00Life Hacks<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Simple things that have made me feel better over the past few days.</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sleeping, and knowing when I've done to much sleeping and need to get out and do things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Gardening.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Washing my beautiful car (I might write about this later on, but after five years of driving about in my wee Fox I have a lovely new car - that I was so proud of I painted my nails the same colour as it for about three weeks after getting it .FYI I did not have to purchase the specific colour I have that many nail polishes*).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being outside - even for a minute.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Housework.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Hoovering my bedroom floor - this does not come under housework - it is it's own separate task (if you have anxiety you may find this familiar, too much stuff clutter everything a bit hard to organise?)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Reading the amazing Help Me! by Marianne Power. 10/10 would recommend as it has saved me from reading all the self help books and has guided me to a couple I (already own) and sounded the most useful to me. Her account of trying to find herself, and change herself was just wonderful. I was impressed and in awe of her bravery at the start of the book, and related to getting too much into self help, and the impact it has on her relationship with her friend Sarah. I am going to be reading The Power Of Now and Daring Greatly soon, and 100% making a vision board a la The Secret.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Staying connected with friends and family.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Taking responsibility and not hiding away from things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sharing my experience</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Writing - I love writing, when I was a teenager I used to carry a notebook with me everywhere just in case I had some thought or idea that I wanted to remember - note down- if you will, I don't do that anymore and it makes me sad. I use my phone instead I guess?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Having a bath - being in water is the best, and if I would live in water I would.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kath and Kim, please watch this if you haven't already</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">KYLIE Minogue!! </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Camomile and herbal tea.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Great Memes and Gifs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Spending time with Colin.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Knowing how much my Mum and Dad love me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Friends reaching out.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Podcasts - shout outs to My Favourite Murder, They Walk Among Us, Table Manners and Jules and Sarah (aways a fave - and really helped with the room tidying/hoovering).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Knowing I have a counselling appointment soon.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe a bit more sleeping?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Quetiapine and Clomipramine </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*I did not buy the car based on my nail polish collection.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you have any self care tips? I am thinking about doing a follow up post on things I should be doing but haven't yet - so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Heather </span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-63500593283046068442019-07-06T06:30:00.001-07:002019-07-06T06:30:21.667-07:00Period. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">I feel like I
need to start this by saying – I love the NHS, a want to give it a big kiss and
a hug, and give it a cup of hot cocoa before tucking it into bed in the
evening, stroking its hair, and reading it a bed time story. Much like a child
that you love dearly can it be frustrating as hell sometimes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">I am a veteran of
the mental health scene in the NHS – we have been through it . I have been
seeing doctors, CPNs and psychiatry about my mental health since I was 19. So
nearly 15 years. I know how it all works, and through all of this I know how I
work. Very well. Not to be braggy or anything, but I know myself and know when
I am not doing well – even if it is not as bad as it was about 6 or 7 years ago
where I had the big breakdown – couldn’t leave the house blah blah blah. I
understand anxiety and depression, I know the symptoms and I know ways that I
can make myself better before things get bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">Something else
that you may know about me is that I suffer terribly from PMS and stomach
cramps (which I should say are stomach/leg and back cramps). The pain is so bad
that nothing seems to resolve it – I have tried everything. Including really
strong painkillers – that don’t even touch the surface, and make me super
drowsy – not great when having to drive and work. A hot water bottle helps, and
to be completely honest so does a massive glass of red wine – however I can’t
really start the day off with that combi when I’ve got things to do. A couple
of months ago – I had had enough, my period had been about five days late which
meant I had PMS for about a week and a half, and was loosing it. I am surprised
that my family and boyfriend are still talking to me because I was PMSing hard!
The worst part of day one of my period is of course they physical pain, but also
the mental anguish that goes with it. It’s like in my brain I’ve been told ‘oh
your family are all dead – it’s your fault – but hey ho sweetie – pop you make
up on and get on with your day’ – I feel mentally awful. So I went to the Doctor
for a solution. I had the implant before, which I think to be entirely honest
might have had something to do with the feelings 6 or 7 years ago. How do I
know this? Well let me tell you. I taken the pill a few times in my early
twenties, and didn’t really remember much about taking it – good or bad, so
when I discussed it with the doctor I thought – this could be it. The answer to
my prayers. So I started taking Loestrin, and it was not good. I felt like a
moody teenager – honestly took me back to being 17 and raging all the time for
no reason. I could not stop crying, and I started to get these weird under the
skin spots which I had when I had the implant. I felt like I did when I had had
the implant before. The spots were the least of my problems. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">After about a
month and a half of taking that I asked to try another pill. Rigevidon – this
was even worse – I cried the whole journey home from work one day. I could not
stop crying – honestly about things that were not worth crying about.
Everything was rubbing me up the wrong way – and I was still raging. I don’t
think I can apologise enough to my mum and Colin during this time as they bore
the brunt of all of this. Needless to say I stopped taking it – and waited for
things to settle down. I had bleed constantly while taking Rigevidon, and as
soon as I stopped taking it I experienced one of the heaviest periods I’ve had
in recent times, I woke up one morning with blood soaked through to my jim jams
– and just started crying – feeling completely out of control of my body that
is doing it’s own thing. I had terrible cramp as well, and just wanted to run
away and hide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">While I was
taking this pill I noticed that my anxiety had gone into over drive – while I
realise from a bit of reading around; particularly Eleanor Morgan’s article in
the guardian which made me get that light bulb moment of – ‘oh wait hormones
can do this to you’. I was scared – not just because of the anxiety making me
see threats everywhere, but I was trying my best to do everything right. Everything
in my life was in place and going well. I should be enjoying everything I had
worked so hard for over the past few years – but I couldn’t. I could only focus
on the panic attacks that made me stop half way on my way home from work, and
meant that I hadn’t had a solid bowel movement in two months. My head was going
into over thinking mode and I couldn’t seem to get it to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">So I had a few
weeks without the pill – but I still felt that I was not completely right. Just
kept on going – until I couldn’t. It all came to a head the weekend of the
really heavy gross period. I went out mountain biking in the afternoon
(Callender Estate – if you like mountain biking/cycling/being outside it really
is great fun) – I was like a cycling Tampax commercial – except that I can’t
use tampons - too sore – ironic I spent day two of my horrendous period on a
bike. That was plenty sore,but it was exhilarating. I felt like I did when I
was a child out on my bike – it was the most free and best I had felt in a long
time. Then we came home, and I just didn’t feel right – I felt like my heart
wasn’t beating properly, and I felt frustrated. Exercise is meant to make you
feel amazing, release endorphins – the miracle cure all. I felt like I was in
hell. Colin had said – let’s go out for a drink – and I couldn’t get my head
around if I wanted to go out or stay in – I love a trip to the pub, but I
couldn’t get my head around heading out, and not bursting into tears for no
reason. I had not been crying at that point. So we stayed in and watched the
office – which was nice, but I knew this wasn’t right and I wasn’t feeling
myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">The following day
I had some things to go back to the shops, I got ready – put my face on and
proceeded to cry uncontrollably at the thought of going out and seeing people
and not being able to stop crying. I was thinking this is ridiculous – go to
the shops, you’ve already passed up on a drink this weekend – who are you?! So
we set off in the car to the shops – it was a lovely trip from Colin’s flat in
Bridge of Allan to the round about at Waitrose in Stirling, where we got to and
then drove back to Colin’s as I could not stop crying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">On the Monday I
couldn’t get myself into work, I called and spoke to a dr and I was told I was
able to self cert for a week, and we would increase my anti depressant. She was
amazing – and I really though I would be back to work within a couple of days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">One week later I
was still unable to get to work. I had arranged seeing a private counsellor on
the Saturday in between, but I just couldn’t get there – I had arranged an
appointment near where I work so that it would be easy to arrange sessions when
I was back working – however it was too much to go myself. This lead to a big
dip in how I was feeling – I had to cancel the appointment, I felt stupid for
wasting the counsellors time and to be perfectly honest I was suicidal. I didn’t
have plans to end my life – but I felt totally out of control, and anything was
possible. I had the anger and rage within myself that I though I want to hurt
myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">On the plus side
– my wonderful friend Janie came and sat with me – made me laugh, and watch a
couple of films. It was a much chiller Saturday that we used to have – but it
was perfect and kept me alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">On the Sunday I
made it to Tesco to buy some dinner items. Score. I felt sick and anxious when
I got into the car – but I pushed through and made it. This is not being ill
like last time – this is manageable. Not great – but not the worst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">On the Tuesday I
called my local doctor’s surgery, they have a care navigation system where you
call in between 8-10, and the reception staff ask you a few questions and work
out if you need to see a doctor or a nurse practitioner depending on what is
wrong with you. When I spoke to the reception staff I said that my anxiety/mood
was bad, and I was still unable to work. They said a doctor would call me back.
I got through at about 8:15, so not a long wait – and the doctor call at about
8:40. This is an amazing service when you get the help that you need – being
able to speak to a doctor so quickly is amazing. However the doctor I spoke to
was as much use as a chocolate teapot to put it nicely. I told her about being
off work – that I didn’t feel quite ready to go back – maybe I should try to go
back on Thursday? What did she think? She told me that she would give me a sick
line until Thursday and then I would have to call back to arrange a phased
return to work on the Thursday. I really needed some guidance and felt that I
was leading the phone call without much input from the doctor about what I
should do. The doctor did not even ask me how I was feeling. I felt there was a
kind of apathy there, and that she hasn’t even looked at my notes, and just
looked at what was given to her by the receptionist. I have no complaints about
the reception staff – because they really do get the brunt of everyone’s anger
and really just do their best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">I was so
disappointed – I honestly didn’t know what to do – I had spent a week of just
about managing to shower and change into new pjs – and I was the person leading
this conversation with the doctor. I though – never the less she persevered –
and I called the back the day. Asking to speak to a doctor I had spoken to the
week before. She asked me how I was feeling straight off the bat, and it felt
like a relief to tell her how bad things were. She referred me to the mental
health team, and I was told to expect a call back 9:30 the following day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">During this
couple of days of phone calls and back and forth I was exhausted – it is hard
to put into words how badly you feel when you don’t get listened to by health
care professionals. I was in physical pain – my head was pounding, and my chest
was tight and sore. I felt completely done in. I have slept and slept and
slept, to escape, and to not be in pain for a few hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">This morning was
the day I was hoping to get some help, after being referred by the doctor who
has listened to me, and knew at the weekend that I had felt suicidal – because
she asked. The doctor also admitted that GPs are stretched for time, and being
put through to the Mental Health Team would give me a chance to talk and more
time with someone who could listen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">As I have
mentioned at the start of this rant/information session on mental health and
hormones, this is not my first time at the rodeo. I have been through this many
times. I was buzzing for this chat on the phone – I thought brilliant I can
speak to someone who has a wealth of knowledge on what I am talking about, and
can find me the right support based on what I have spoken about during our
phone call. I basically went down a very condensed version of everything I have
spent the past two/three hours typing away at. I said my life is great right
now – I can see everything is good, however the pill caused me a lot of
problems, I am dealing with the fallout, and I am now at a loss of how I am
going to find something to help the PMS/period symptoms, and that I am really
not coping with anything. I don’t feel as bad as I have felt before, but I feel
bad enough. I feel like you might be expecting a build up to the big climax
where a plan was put in place that fitted in with what I had spoken about over
the course of the phone call. Of course this was not the case, and I was offered
Stress Control Classes, a group session where I could learn about anxiety and
how it affects my body, and how to look at changing my thinking. I am very
impressed that I didn’t scream down the phone. I know anxiety – I know how to
change my thinking – but at this moment in time I cannot do this on my own.
This is not group therapy, this is something that anyone can just walk into.
This is not the help that I am needing. Instead of screaming I said – no that
won’t work for me, I need something more acute that what you are offering.
Should I just look into private counselling? The nurse on the phone said, it’s
expensive so we can look at an NHS option for me. I have a face to face
appointment to discuss things on Wednesday of next week. This makes me feel good
for me, but bad for more vulnerable people who don’t have the ability or means
to ask for better help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial;">I have now booked
in with a private counsellor who I am seeing on Tuesday next week – which feels
like a starting point. I will still see the nurse on Wednesday as I know she
was going to look into a couple of things for me, and get back to me. Overall I
feel lucky that I am in a position of privilege that I can find other sources
of help out with our over stretched NHS, but I worry for people who can’t. I
feel that they are not only being let down, but their lives are being put in
danger. Mental Illness is a killer, and we need to respect that and fund the
NHS appropriately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-62187424036204138562019-04-27T11:25:00.001-07:002019-04-27T11:25:20.087-07:00The Comfort Zone is Comfy. (Tell your friends)<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My head this week has been swimming around the thought of the comfort zone. Not in an angry crawl powering through lengths and lengths of a pool, more just wading- keeping afloat gently occasionally feeling the water lapping around my face. </span><div>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The comfort zone terrifies me, I have lived it and I did not like it and you really shouldn't either. It might seem obvious to say this however it is good to know a mental health problem like anxiety is there because your beautiful, complex - but at the same time a little bit stupid and a little bit simplistic, brain wants to keep you safe. So how this works in general terms is having your favourite things/places/people. If you notice it or not you become a regular at a restaurant/cafe/pub/club in simple terms your brain goes we've had a good time here, I was safe, I survived we can go and do that again. I am aware there is a group of proper weirdos that love new experiences, places, people but that's not who I am talking about just now. I'm talking about the normal folk like me who likes to stay comfy/safe. </span></div>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I have had the idea of the comfort zone in my head the past week I think it was because I had had time off work, and time off for me can make me feel a bit edgy. I should mention it was annual leave, I am in perfect health - my doctor said my blood pressure was excellent this week. My brain needs to be kept busy, with human interaction and a little bit of problem solving through the day to keep me happy. I love being busy. Which might sound strange for some people who know me - I think I have two states though - busy or asleep. Not much in the way of in between. When I don't have things scheduled in or plans my wee head starts to do a little bit of work in the background thinking about how to make me safe - and that days off don't happen too regularly. Needless to say my brain felt that sleep was the best option for the second day off. The first day was BUSY.</span></div>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'So where are you going with all this?', my lovely grey matter is asking me now. And for that I'm not sure. I felt flat today, I ended up getting dragged out the house today by my mum and we spent a beautiful day in Peebles doing what we do best, shopping and supporting local businesses. I came home through Biggar and I picked up a copy of How To Fail by Elizabeth Day in Aktinson Pryce - a lovely bookshop you really should check out if you are in Biggar. I thought this is the book for me today. There was also a lovely book on Dogs Of The National Trust which turned out also to be for me but that is less relevant for this exercise. I checked out her podcast when I got in after the girl who served me in the shop mentioned it, obviously went with the episode featuring Pheobe Waller-Bridge (I am pretty sure we are twins - identical soul twins - or maybe everyone is a bit garbage in their twenties - WHO IS TO SAY?!). When I was listening to my twin Pheobe I thought - I really need to be writing again. When I was a teenager/into my twenties I carried a notebook with me everywhere because I needed to write things down and get things out of my head. I had so many important things to say that I needed to put on paper. I'm 33 now (same age at Pheobe - winky face), and I didn't do that anymore - but what I have noticed over the past month or so I've started again. I grab my phone out of my bag or from my left hand so I can type better and start to form things in my notes. I also bought a notebook the other week so I can put pen to paper which is truly a euphoric feeling that I haven't had in a while. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I think this is me stepping out my comfort zone for the moment, and I hope by publishing this it'll make me think about some other things that I could be doing but haven't done for a while. Gonna get back to blogging yeah! Does anyone blog anymore?</span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-18989901626451486922016-12-20T06:55:00.000-08:002016-12-20T06:55:21.644-08:00Thank You Thank You Thank You Very Much<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now while we can all agree 2016 has been a massive dumpster fire of a year - Bowie, why did you leave us so early?, as my mum pointed out to me yesterday my year hasn't actually been that bad. In fact it has been pretty good. Ok the first few months were tricky, and I used to summer to recover and feel like myself again, but now I am feeling pretty good. Even when I think back to this time last year - I certainly didn't feel the way I am feeling just now. I feel like I've got my Heatherness back. So if you are interested, and to be honest I encourage you to do the same I am going to go through my year and talk about what I am thankful for.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I started the year off by DJing at a local charity night, no it wasn't anything like the nights I used to do - think more Moves Like Jagger than actual Mick Jagger, but it was a great night and I really enjoyed myself - so did everyone else as I am back doing it again this year. In January I also started my writing group Rough Draft (originally Wallace Writers, but then Rough Draft sounded much better). I have loved loved loved taking part in this, every month we have a theme and we each write a piece, we have covered Bowie, sleep and scary stories to name but a few. I love that every month (well nearly every month), we get together share our stories, I am always amazed at how talented everyone is, and have a few drinks. I do wonder what other people think we are up to when the group is on, no one has said anything so far.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here's me, Marc, Allison and Jon, by Jake our super talented group member. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNO6RHMCwOavFoabI2dhJmyyvEppSvMfM1wqKy5Jpi-K6U6vD1I1_EiTzykizGXLui5VeVZ_3-Nf1qlRW08wnRzrb2vJnKQYC33MTZakeFHoilIq3mvDPjtaz_TOpl5jZj_mbHY-xUqoA/s1600/IMG_7178.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNO6RHMCwOavFoabI2dhJmyyvEppSvMfM1wqKy5Jpi-K6U6vD1I1_EiTzykizGXLui5VeVZ_3-Nf1qlRW08wnRzrb2vJnKQYC33MTZakeFHoilIq3mvDPjtaz_TOpl5jZj_mbHY-xUqoA/s320/IMG_7178.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mum also turned 60 and I had a great time celebrating with her. I should also add in Lawrie's birthday, which was such a fun night in Route 36, good food and so much laughter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Onto February, I can't think of anything too stand out in February - maybe just my annual V Day tradition of self love ie drinking Champagne, eating truffles and watching films. It really is my ideal day! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't think March was much to write home about, not feeling too grand, April was better, took at trip to Stobo with Lawrie which was lovely, so relaxing, oh and we cemented our friendship with these mugs. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBS13Feic-LDO_soVd0Rt76UnrzDbwc0BTlcj26Y9Wuc6SX_Qn1urIVswKdQ9UgMsEHwOlHpJOQFNKFAkG2b0XtCfORAX0KYwrSSQlAQomGFaejvrzcPTTjNMYyNHRTOjIKzWcVNamNN8/s1600/IMG_7102.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBS13Feic-LDO_soVd0Rt76UnrzDbwc0BTlcj26Y9Wuc6SX_Qn1urIVswKdQ9UgMsEHwOlHpJOQFNKFAkG2b0XtCfORAX0KYwrSSQlAQomGFaejvrzcPTTjNMYyNHRTOjIKzWcVNamNN8/s320/IMG_7102.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also believe there may have been some nice weather in April, either that or I just don't dress for the seasons.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">May - what did you bring, the end of second year of uni, it was tough going, but I blooming well loved it. It feels fantastic to be doing something I actually want to be doing, rather than feeling uni is some sort of endurance exercise, an educational hunger games if you will.I also went to my first Eurovision party, which was a beautiful night with Lawrie and Mark rating all the acts with our bizarre marking system that included sex appeal. From looking at my photos I seem to have also been rewatching Jonathan Creek, as it was shown originally at that time of year, it my equivalent of what you do with Christmas movies but in summer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In June I found out I'd passed second year with all As and Bs, which was nice. I also actually walked in the Lanimers this year, which was quite nice as it was sunny. I really like getting to see all our hard work through the year from the fundraising, costume meetings, to all the good spray painting we did this year paying off. Scotty Boy also graduated with a 2:1 from Glasgow, he has done so well, worked so hard and I am a really proud big sister. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsSDj4j3Fzttb3MGpi2izA2w2_xxrNvTvzmFsIr7mkQ_G1Irgb5N76Lbwz2E9Al-OyIMPMKVKwQZsDgAKPSs5FomjqaKY-tmysbSzkEqp9MH_HJTxmBKVDBGYRQ9svbbggW_bNVLDEj5Q/s1600/IMG_0110.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsSDj4j3Fzttb3MGpi2izA2w2_xxrNvTvzmFsIr7mkQ_G1Irgb5N76Lbwz2E9Al-OyIMPMKVKwQZsDgAKPSs5FomjqaKY-tmysbSzkEqp9MH_HJTxmBKVDBGYRQ9svbbggW_bNVLDEj5Q/s320/IMG_0110.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lucy also went to India with her school, it fits into my favourites as she got me some great presents! So Thank you Lucy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">July saw the arrival of Queen Bey to Scotland, it was amazing. I don't have words - the whole show was spectacular, from the opening bars of Formation to her promotion of Black Lives Matter, the staging and costumes were out of this world. Can't wait to see her when she comes back. I was also so touched when my friend Cheryl popped round one day with a lovely Lush bath product - one of my faves - because she knew I hadn't been feeling like myself. I am so lucky to have such thoughtful people around me. I also got to help Lawrie run a summer singing school which I loved every minute of and wish we were doing it again next year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the back ground of all this I was studying to become a hynpotherapist, after having successful sessions of hypnotherapy myself, and on top of that life coaching both with <a href="https://sandierobertson.com/" target="_blank">Sandie Robertson</a> I am so grateful to have been able to do these courses with Sandie as she is an excellent tutor, with so much experience and it has allowed me to keep using the skills that I learnt during my counselling HNC. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In July I started going on a lot of dates, as I was getting a bit fed up of being single. Now although nothing came of any of them, I am so glad I did it. I used to be a nervous wreck at the thought of meeting someone on a date, but after meeting so many new people this year I like to think I am a lot more relaxed than I used to be. I went on tinder as a way of meeting people, and while there were a couple of lads that I knew weren't right for me, I did meet one of two people who I had quite a bit in common with, so I am looking forward to any dates I have in the future....probably wait til after Christmas and New Years now, is it just me who thinks that would be a creepy first date? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Right August you saucy minx, what did we get up to - I do believe we went on a family boat holiday. The weather wasn't amazing but we did have a couple of beautiful days, sitting out at Port Bannatyne is one of my favourite places to be, especially in the pub which has a beautiful sun trap garden, which also included a dog to play with this year.The guys in the boat next to us also gave us fresh mackerel to eat, which was unbelievably good. So nice to know that you are eating food that is so fresh. Thankfully we didn't have to do any gutting or chopping heads off - that would be a little bit too fresh for me. I also seem to remember myself, Scott and Lucy laughing on deck for about 30 minutes, when we got back to the boat at Port Bannatyne, something about an otter or a seal? Oh and how the food looked nice, but everyone's feet around the food when it was on the deck didn't look so appetising. I'm laughing again thinking about it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I loved that over the summer this year I managed to read a tonne of books, I should really review them as I promised, maybe one day. I also managed to meet up with some of my college lads for a night out, which was great. So nice to see everyone and hear what they have been up to since the course ended. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh September - that meant the SAAS money was in, so myself, Katy and Nadia went shopping, so lucky to have these guys on my course, they've got my back when I feel like I am floundering - and they say I am a calming influence on them - which is a somewhat surprising compliment. I went on a little trip up to Piperdam with the birthday club from mum's work - it was an amazing weekend spend in the Vegas Lodge, and we also had a great wee trip to Dundee, where I stocked up on all the Halloween Lush bits and enjoyed a walk about my favourite city. We also got a lift from a lovely 70 year old gentleman, that however is a story for another day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the start of October, myself and my mummy went to Edinburgh School of Food and Wine for a desserts course, which had been a birthday present from my neighbour Suzannah before she moved to Oz, which I am still not happy about hehe. I also managed to fit in a walk to Baron's Haugh, one of my favourite places to go for a walk at that time of year. Great for picking up conkers, although I doubt we left many for anyone else.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Obviously October means Hallowe'en and having the neighbours over to celebrate. I dressed up at James from The Snowman this year and it was my favourite costume I have ever had - apart from Britney Slave Zombie. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just getting to carry the snowman about with me all the time kinda made the whole night for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">November the birthday month, I went into Edinburgh for the day with my mum, if you don't know by now she's pretty much my BFF. We had a great day, we stayed pretty much on George Street, had a good swatch about Anthropologie, got some lovely cupcakes from Harvey Nick's, ooh and I got a tenner off my favourite Diptyque candle, I love when Space NK does that. I also got fantastic presents from my friends, a Lush surprise from Lozza, some great books from Scott and Jon, and the birthday club were beyond generous, getting me individual presents and a group present of an Agent Provocateur voucher - they know what I like.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">December was pretty special as I bought the M&S beauty advent calendar, which has meant I have raced down stairs every morning to open it - just to see what I am getting. The brands and size of the products that you get are so good, so I would recommend that for next year. I also went to see two of my favourite bands, The Sunshine Underground and Honeyblood, both gigs were great fun, and although TSU are now donezo - I'm already counting down the days to see Honeyblood when they tour again,as they are amazing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So that was my year, my year of lovely things that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. If you managed to read the whole way through this I have two questions - why? And would you like the job as my official autobiographer?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-9585207558692802312016-09-27T13:32:00.001-07:002016-09-27T13:32:47.092-07:00What I did on my Holiday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This little collection of books if where I spent my summer holidays this year. As you will have seen in my previous post the start of this year wasn't too zip zap zupulous, so this summer I required a lot of self care. The best way for me to do a bit of self care, other than a Lush bath with some trashy american teen drama on in the background (Sorry PLL - you are solid gold, and I love you), is by reading. I always read here and there through the year - somewhat less as the uni work piles up and I start to feel a bit guilty about reading for pleasure, when I should be reading for misery. Even reading stuff for uni is pretty great, which for me is saying something, the right course is the key to everything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As the autumn nights are starting to draw in I've started on my next pile of books, so I thought I better review what I read over the summer, as I promised myself I would. As you can see from the teeny tiny picture that I've posted here, they are a right mixed bag of books. A couple I mentioned in my previous post, One More Thing and So Sad Today, I didn't go into too much detail on those, so I'll give them a proper review. I think what really got me hungry for reading this summer was In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. From there I went on a roadtrip from North Carolina to NYC, back in time through a telephone, spent a bit of time in Seoul, South Korea, and some time with a cult in California. Some of the titles here are a bit meatier than others, some where perfect light reading when I didn't have much concentration for anything. I love when books become part of you - if you know me, you'll know my favourites and how you'd have to prize the copies of those books out of my cold dead hands. There are a couple of those in here, with a few I have already passed on as I want other people to share the experience - I'm talking about you The Vegetarian by Han Kang. Ok so sixteen books to review, let's see how I get on reviewing these and how much I remember over the next few weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heather</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-69142343260872189992016-06-15T13:13:00.000-07:002016-06-15T13:51:42.785-07:00Hold Up<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So I was on here last week whinging about my mental illness again - as I was having a bad bad day. Fast forward a week and things were not much improved. I managed to go to work on the Monday, however I cried as soon as I got home and then felt really anxious and crap for the rest of the day. On Tuesday I had to go to work, but as soon as I got up the day just felt too much - so I started the day off with a classic crying in the shower. Then cried a lot more when I got out of the shower - I felt in physical pain from how I was feeling - I total ache in my soul.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Long story short - I ended up seeing a doctor yesterday. Seeing a doctor about mental health problems can be a bit hit or miss - sometimes you come out feeling like you have been listened to (which is what happened yesterday), other times you come out feeling worse than you did when you went in. I have had a couple of bad experiences at the doctors recently, during one appointment I was discussing my medication with the doctor, and she said to me 'that sounds a bit like you are self medicating to me'. To give a bit of back ground to this - I take Quetiapine at night - two 25mg tables, I used to take much much more, and I used to take one tablet in the morning, I had also been advised that I could take a Quetiapine tablet if I was having a panic attack and that would help calm me down, this is in my notes but not my recent notes so I can see the confusion for the doctor - especially as I was in to talk about something else. So needless to say I came out of that appointment feeling a little bit shell shocked !!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This time was totally different, the doctor really listened to me, and helped me to see that this is just a wee blip, and I would be back on track soon. She said to me you know how to get better, you have done it before, so you just need a little bit of time to get yourself feeling better. She also suggested changing the dosage of the medication that I take - so another 50 mg Quetiapine during the day - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. She also increased the anti depressant that I take as well. Everything I was on for the past few months has been really low dose - so an increase will just give me a wee boost to get back on my feet. This doctor also said that taking the Quetiapine during the day would help, and to carry some in my bag in case I feel panicky when I am out and about. All good advice. She was asking me how long I have felt like this, and I said since about the start of the year, after having a panic attack out of nowhere on the train back from uni - it really knocked my confidence, and from that I have found travelling really difficult again. I also said - and I cringe as I am reliving this moment - I just don't think I have been right since David Bowie died. As if he was my best pal, and I was gutted we wouldn't get to hang out every day. 2016 has been a bit of a shiter so far - don't get me wrong lovely things have happened, but some really shit things have happened. Anyways that is by the by - back to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I was seeing the Dr I was like - I know the things I can do to make me feel better, eating well, exercise etc - and she was like - that is great, but just now you need to give yourself a break, and then you can get all that stuff in place again. I am really enjoying this blog so far as I have written it like I speak - mostly by saying like all the time, she was like - I was like blah blah blah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think things are on the up again - feeling a bit calmer with the tablets, managed to go to work today, with a lot of support from my fantastic co-workers and volunteers who were amazing. I have spent the day taking it easy, and have introduced a wee afternoon nap, which has been nice as a treat, but is not something I want to get into the habit of, I have far to much to do and achieve, and the books I have to read...well what can I say.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Moving seamlessly on to what I am currently reading - One More Thing by BJ Novak and So Sad Today by Melissa Broder, which are both great for when you are not feeling 100%. One More Thing is nice as it is a collection of short stories that you can dip in and out of, and most of them are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. I have had this book for over a year, and kind of forgot about it - picked it up this week and it was like it was meant to be - perfect for when your concentration isn't quite what it should be, but you want to give your brain something to do rather than being left in the prison of your own consciousness (I came over a bit John Green there). So Sad Today has been great, a collection of personal essays that feel like part of my soul - all be it a very dark part of my soul. Her writing is easy to read yet thought provoking, and describes her anxiety and fears of her own mortality in ways that I can completely relate to. Also there is a sexting exchange between her and a guy she meets online that has to be read to be believed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So that was the start of my week - talk soon. xxx</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(If this got a bit rambly at the end it is because when I woke up from my nap I was really thirsty so I drank about three glasses of irn bru which I can now see has been a mistake, so I am off to flush this out with lots of water - which is what I should have drank in the first place)</span><br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-54998068039941871832016-06-06T14:42:00.001-07:002016-06-06T14:48:26.967-07:00Threat Level Midnight<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Just a heads up at the start of this - I tried to write this already today, but it didn't go well. Well the writing was ok - then an awful panic attack came over me, and I had to go and lie down, not before I deleted everything I had written.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So today is what I would describe as a black day. I can feel it before I have even woken up. When I wake up there is a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and it feels like my heart is all that I have in my chest - almost like it is sitting in the middle of one of those bungie/trampoline thingys that kids can jump on in funfairs. I started crying before I got up out of bed, and I couldn't stop. I cried through thinking about the day ahead, I cried through breakfast, I cried in the shower, when I got out of the shower and then when I called into work to say that I couldn't come in - which makes me feel terrible because I love my job. I just couldn't see me getting through today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I spoke with my mum at length, but I just had to settle on the fact that this was one of those days. Yesterday I had felt particularly anxious, a two minute drive up the road to help out at the shed for the Lanimer (google it, if you don't know what it is already :) ) lorry, felt like an impossible task. The whole time I was up there - I could barely help out, as I was so worried about driving the two minutes back home because I felt so horrendous. This makes me feel like a failure - that something as simple as driving up the road, feels like it is completely beyond me - I do need to point out though that for the most part doing stuff like that is ok. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Self care is so important - eating right, making sure you get enough sleep, exercising, spending time with people who make you feel great - avoiding those who don't, taking time for yourself just to relax - be that reading, going for a walk, petting a dog - or all the dogs - I just want a dog. When everything starts to get a bit much for me - all that stuff goes out the window. It is easy to sit about doing hee haw, rather than things that make you feel good. Like socialising - I find it so easy to say no to things, 'as I can't I'm studying', 'I have this thing coming up' - and after a while the invites stop coming, or you wonder why you've not heard from someone for a while. So today instead of doing a bit of self care I threw myself into the stupid deep end, by going a trip to Tesco - needless to say it was horrible, I made it through two aisles and then begged my mum to get the hell out of there. I should have really just left it for the day, but I wanted to push myself. Which can be a mixed bag - sometimes it works out amazing, and I feel proud of what I have achieved, other much rarer times it goes like today. And that is what I need to remember because - the bad times are in the minority.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On the black days, I don't say dark days as dark gives way to light, and black days don't, everything feels 100% more intrusive, every sound feels like it is much louder than it is, I swear I could hear the grass growing today, my skin crawls, everything aches, my stomach felt so bad I wanted to scream out to make it go away. My brain feel like it is in some kind of foggy syrupy mixture that makes thinking straight and even finishing a sentence impossible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am not too sure why I wanted to write this all down today, but I felt like I had to because if you are reading this and having a noir day too - try not too worry too much, it will pass. Even as I have been sitting writing this, I am feel much better than I did this morning. I feel much better than I did twelve hours ago, which I think is pretty great, not even having to wait a full day for my mood to lift slightly. Suffering is part of being human, and it is not forever. Light always cuts through the darkness - even in a black sky there are all those millions of stars a shining for you to see.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FYI Black day in South Korea is like their Valentines day - so I should be feeling better already.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Would anyone like an update on how I am feeling as the week goes on?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also if you are an office fan, hope you liked the title. ;) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-64853760361202868472016-03-29T11:53:00.001-07:002016-04-07T13:14:33.745-07:00Jackie Jormp Jomp<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This week I am mostly going to be channelling Janis Joplin. Auld Janis has been in my thoughts a lot this weekend after I watched the BBC Four documentary Janis Joplin: Little Girl Blue (watch it <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0755ms6/janis-joplin-little-girl-blue" target="_blank">here</a>). It may shock you to know that I honestly didn't know much about Janis before this weekend - and I do have a bit of a penchant for those musical icons who are no longer with us, especially at their peak. I discovered Jeff Buckley in 2004 and off that sprung a liking for other artists of a similar ilk, such as Elliot Smith and my beautiful Nick Drake (introduced to me via my dad and a BBC Radio 2 documentary narrated by Bard Pitt). Their tender souls cushioning me through the horror show of my twenties. Comforting me as I cried myself to sleep again, over some study stress, boy trouble or the weight of having to carry on living through the pain of depression.The Jeff phrase used to get a bit dark when watching Live in Chicago after nights out my friends had to calm me down, assuring me he was still alive somewhere. Now I am much more comfortable with the idea of the porch in heaven, where those greats as sitting, jamming all day long. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So back to Janis, my Janis education began when I started watching 30 Rock not so long ago. Tina Fey fans and soul music fans, I can see you reading this shaking your head. I loved Jenna Maroney, a very shallow, so very shallow character, trying to grasp onto the complexities of Janis' character, something that is so beyond her that the writers leap at the chance to edit Janis' wikipedia page in order to fool Jenna into doing some pretty awful things. Like eating a cat, luckily Frank stops her in time. The combination of Jenna and Janis is perfect. At first I just liked the idea of the vain and self obsessed Jenna playing a spaced out hippy from the summer of love. Having watched the documentary this weekend, I am understanding this joke runs a little bit deeper than that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The documentary starts out talking about Janis as a school girl, and what a girl she was - she believed in the civil rights movement, even when it made her an outcast at her school and lead to her being picked on by fellow classmates. She was also picked on for her appearance, having bad skin and a different style to the others in her year. Well this is when I started to get it bad for Janis, all through school I never felt that I fit in. I always felt other to everyone else. I had a group of two or three good friends, with a few others who came and went over the years. Usually leaving to hang out with the popular kids for a while. I don't mean that I was some kind of social pariah either, I just liked doing my own thing, being my own person with my own interests and those tended not to interest many people I knew. I am pretty sure I was the world's biggest Muse fan in 2000/1/2, and no one in my year was really that fussed so this is one of many examples I could put in here. My fandom for Muse was intense, listening to both Showbiz and Origin of Symmetry before bed, memorising not only the lyrics but the duration in minutes and seconds of each track. This intensity and ability to get carried away in things stands me in good stead for catching up with all things Janis. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I enjoyed Janis finding herself when she moved out of her home town, finally finding a home to call her own in Haight - Ashbury, San Fransisco. In the documentary, (I have tried to find the image), there was a picture of her sitting on her steps, with her new friends, looking so happy - noting to her family in a letter something along the lines of 'they are so cool, and that's how they always dress'. The letters, and unplayed audio gave me as a viewer a real feel of how Janis was seen by her family, and as it used her own words how she saw herself. Oh the fashion, the fashion was amazing. Every single item of clothing she owned was perfection. I am trying to work out of my home town in ready for me cutting about the high street with a feather boa tied to the back of my hair. Not many people can pull that off the way Janis could. This will be one of the ways I am going to be channeling Janis this week, pushing my own boundaries in a fashion sense. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have three wardrobes, a chest of drawers and a double bed all full of / covered in clothes. I have spoken about my mental health problems in previous posts, sometimes saying that I lost my love of fashion and music when I lost my mental wellbeing. I wear almost a uniform of clothes that I believe will keep me safe, or not make me feel like I am standing out when my brain is telling me that everyone is staring at me. Also my worst fear is having a panic attack/ bursting into tears with major make up and a proper jazzy outfit on. I have found safety in a somewhat normal wardrobe. Today's outfit for example a white striped top (of which I have three, because I like it so much) and black jeans (I have two pairs of these, one pair that feels better to wear on a day to day basis, the other's a back up), teamed with my Liberty London print Superga's - jazzy. I try to tell myself that this is all part of growing older, calming down my style, refining it. Well now I am saying fuck it! What is the point in having a wardrobe full of brightly coloured silks, beautiful scarves, and some right jazzy pieces in general if I am not going to wear them.I know what Janis would do - she would have an absolute field day with my wardrobe, layering pieces, bringing outfits together from things that I wouldn't never have dreamed going together. Safe to say if you see me in the next wee while, I am pushing my style boundaries, please do not cross the street to avoid me. Especially if I am dressed like someone who has just discovered lost luggage from the Hotel Chelsea in the 60s. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to loose', from Joplin's version of Me and Bobby McGee jumped right out at me when I was listening to her when I started writing this - what seems like weeks ago, it was in fact only last night. I need to make this my mantra. And here is the important bit - a positive mantra. My brain constantly plays me its own movie creation called 'What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen Here' when I am feeling particularly anxious, be it passing out in Tesco, passing out while out walking, passing out while driving.....lot of passing out. So I am going to say this to myself to keep myself going, to keep pushing forward. I need to free myself. If I don't I loose everything I have worked so hard for this far, and that is not happening anytime soon - because 'I'm gonna show you baby, that a woman can be tough'. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Janis - I love you, and I am looking forward to our week together. Sans the drugs part obvs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(All images were sourced from google as I am a lazy toad)</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-38488095376228675222016-03-28T09:11:00.002-07:002016-03-28T10:35:54.984-07:00Easter<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So Easter has gone a little strange. I should probably start out by saying that although I am Christian, I'm not an off to the church every Sunday kind of Christian. I am not sure if it is because the church seems quite old fashioned (once again I am not there every Sunday so I don't know), or if it is the obvious fact that is takes place on a Sunday morning - the only time that I have seen a Sunday morning in recent times was when I was doing my hypnotherapy course, other than that I'm usually awake for Sunday lunch time. I am somewhat of a Quality Street Christian - picking out the toffee pennies, and leaving the rubbish green triangles, I take the bits I like about helping and being kind, and leave the weird bits that seems to have been written by some very angry men.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the run up to Easter I watched Mary Berry's two part Easter feast special. It really was a lovely programme. She met many different people from different types of Christianity, from different parts of the world. The whole idea of the programme was learning about all types of traditions over the Easter weekend, finding out what different people made for their post Lent feasts, and bringing everyone together at the end for an Easter feast down Mary's local Church hall (I am assuming that is where they were). There were lovely parts of the programme where she brought the viewer into her home to see her own traditions with her own family. She met up with John Sentamu ('a lovely man with a lovely kitchen', my mum was pretty taken with the Archbishop of York's accommodation), and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. I felt honoured to watch their conversation as they shared in the grief of loosing a child, and how they coped with such a loss with their faith. And by talking about their grief they shared the meaning of Easter. Which is hope, The Archbishop of Canterbury went on to share this message in his sermon on Sunday, where he discussed the bombings in Brussels saying </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #404040; font-family: "helmet" , "freesans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">"On Easter Day hope decisively overcame fear".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For me this is what my own religious beliefs are about, seeing the light in the darkness, being given a little bit of help and guidance through the worst times, and giving thanks for the best. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am not sure how much of that message was shared yesterday as I looked through Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Seeing presents laid out for children like Christmas morning. Maybe another question would be - would people bother with this if there wasn't this showing off/ over sharing on Facebook? Easter has become commercialised, and it feels very wrong. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I saw it creeping in when I worked in GAP (I know who am I to talk), people buying, in fairness, a wee t-shirt in the sale (I worked in Baby GAP), rather than buying a kid a chocolate egg. I am down with that. Jamie Oliver is most certainly down with that, although he is in my bad books this week. That was about ten years ago and things seem to have escalated pretty quickly. I saw someone that I follow on twitter also lamenting about XXL Easter, saying she couldn't believe what people were giving their kids - when one of her followers asked what kind of presents, she said - 'a bike'. Now there</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> is a Christmas present if ever I saw one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the interests of honesty I should also disclose that I like things - I like clothes, I like make up, I like owning more books than I can read in a life time and the same with DVDs. This whole Easter thing really rubs me up the wrong way. I want to run about screaming - 'you are missing the point of this, you are missing the point - if this is what you think Easter is about, then what else are you missing the point of in life?!'. All this need for stuff and things and documenting it on the internet is getting a bit weird. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So what will Easter look like for me when and if I have kids. I would imagine Easter Egg rolling, a couple of Easter Eggs, maybe a Lindt bunny, and a big family dinner. Gasps - I know I don't even have kids and am telling other people what to do with theirs. It's honestly not that, it is about taking back what is important from commercial profit. Appreciating time spent with family and loved ones, telling shops selling Easter gifts to shove it. Painting hardboiled eggs, chucking them down a hill in your local park, and leaving before the smell of multiple smashed eggs becomes too much.</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-18144464458056613642015-07-04T12:42:00.000-07:002015-07-04T12:42:18.796-07:00Typical Girls<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the past few months I have been thinking about feminism, and how I feel about it and how it relates to my life. I have been trying to read as much about it as possible, and this lead to me reading <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/books/dp/0571297765/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436031850&sr=1-1&keywords=clothes+music+boys" target="_blank">Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys by Viv Albertine.</a></span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As part of my misspent twenties - or the wilderness years as I like to think of them, I DJed at a few different venues around Glasgow. I loved DJing, I was totally inspired by Queens of Noize, who spent the 00s running club nights in London, writing for NME, and hosting shows on MTV2 and 6music. I loved that they played such a mix of different styles of music, mixed with all the latest and coolest sounds. They were so knowledgable about music, perfectly able to mix the old and new. They weren't just saying they were into bands to impress guys - music meant as much to them as it did to me. When I got my first DJ gig with my lovely friend CJ, I messaged Mairead Nash (who more recently has managed Florence Welsh) on myspace (I know) and asked her if she had any advice, and what songs she was liking at the moment. She suggested I play Generator by the Holloways, The Bouncer covered by Klaxons, and Going Nowhere by Cut Copy. Songs that I still enjoy to this day. My favourite thing about Queens of Noize was that they were right up there in midst of all this indie rock n roll boys club. Their DJ sets always seemed like a big party, where dancing and having fun seemed to be as important as picking the next record. They were just the coolest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reading Viv Albertine's memoir about her journey into music in the 70s really resonated with my own time DJing. It even relates to the above NME article which lived on my wall for five years. Being a girl who is into music means you only want to sleep with guys in bands, nothing about what you think their music is like apparently. I certainly felt some male bias in my life as a DJ, I went to Greece on holiday in like 2005 and there were a few indie bars, I had taken over a few CDs with me, and asked one of them if I could do an hour set. Afterwards they said I was good, but was a bit heavy on females artists. At the times I didn't think much of it - other than -fuck! I better look out some Oasis, but now it makes me so angry. Surely hearing some great female indie music has to be better than the same old crap over and over again. Lads with swagger that I don't relate to - sorry but I live my life through the eyes of a woman and that's my main point of reference I'm afraid. Oops a bit of the rage popping out there. For the most part though I never felt that at the places I worked in Glasgow, big shout out to Maggie Mays and Slouch! I feel that at Maggie's I really managed to get that whole let's have a big party and listen to music vibe going. I think that was helped by exploring different genre's of music which Viv says was so important in the sound of The Slits. To be stuck in a mind set where you only listen to one genre of music is completely alien to me - I almost feel claustrophobic thinking about it. Although to be fair I will never ever listen to happy hardcore, is that even music.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love when Viv is describing The Slits as a band they sound vulgar, which is what I really like in my female performers. I like performers who make you feel uncomfortable. I love women playing guitars and screaming lyrics. Give me Stevie screaming Rhiannon any day over some whispery vocal act that seems to be churned out by record companies far too often. This makes me think of Ellie Goulding, remember when she brought out her first album? Did an advert for John Lewis and we were all like, ooh what a unique sound. Then record companies jumped all over it, and it feels like so many female artists are now just Ellie Goulding knock offs, and even she has gotten tired of that, prefering to put out pop/dance tracks with Calvin Harris. What is being a female indie performer when the real money for women is made in pop?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was writing this I finally got round to watching Rihanna's new video - wow. She is the man! Honestly. It is vulgar perfection. I personally don't think there is anything sexy or degrading about it. I am sure I can hear now people saying - the children, someone think of the children. Well you know what - don't let your kids watch it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Possibly what I liked most about Viv's (I call her by her first name as I feel we are friends now) book is that she has had to go on and rebuild her life a quite a few times. Guess what I can totally relate to that! When The Slits spilt she was completely at a loss, and writes about this time in her life with such honesty. Every chapter is so honest - it is fantastic writing and one hundered percent punk because of that. After the band broke up she couldn't listen to music for three years, this I got. When my anxiety was really bad I couldn't listen to any music, or at least any music that meant anything to me. So I spent my time listening to watered down pop, not the best time of my life - for oh so many reasons. When Viv talks about rebuiding herself towards the end of her marriage, I felt like she was speaking to me, and where I am in my life now. She had closed off her past self to give her life as a wife and mother a chance, but in doing so she was denying the artist in her a life. I feel like I have spent so much time getting myself well again that I have almost closed off parts of myself, like my artistic and creative side. I know over the next few months this part of me is going to blossom again - I am throwing myself back into music and fashion, two passions which have been somewhat neglected of late. I may as well keep you all updated on here to see how that goes. I am going to learn how to play the guitar. I feel lucky to have so many great female role models in music, when Viv started - she had none, she became her own role model and in doing that became mine too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Right here are my top ten female artists - I haven't included Kylie in this because my love for her should be a post in itself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Stevie Nicks </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Annie Hardy (Giant Drag) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3.PJ Harvey </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Shakespear's Sister (I had some confusing feelings after watching this video as a child)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> 6. Florence Welsh</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. Honeyblood </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8.Sleater Kinney</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. Kate Bush (Svaing the best til last)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-8954692998474328492015-05-04T13:15:00.002-07:002015-05-04T13:15:59.141-07:00Free Your Pits<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not sure what it is, if it's the recent blast of sunny weather or my growing interest in what being a woman means to me, but I have become properly obsessed with body hair and personal grooming. Yuk - personal grooming, how gross does that sound?! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I was a teenager in the 00s, what a sad time that was for body hair. Pretty much as soon as you had any you began an epic battle to get rid of it. I have red hair, so my body hair is pretty light. This doesn't matter though if you are headed into a secondary school gym hall in a pair of shorts. I think the first time I shaved my legs I was in primary 7, it was pretty much a case of - well all the other girls are doing it, so I should too. This really sticks out for me because as a kid and teenager I was pretty happy doing my own thing, I think I just felt this would make me feel grown up. At the time I was using an electric razor that my mum had - hello hygiene, which on reflection didn't actually remove any hair. After that I graduated to a Wilkinson Sword razor, I can't remember what it was called, but I think it was lilac in colour - you know so you pay more for it. The first time I used it I was amazed by how silky smooth my legs felt, a feeling I still enjoy today, but it less frequent because I don't spend quite as much time and care shaving my legs as I used to. I remember shaving my legs in the mornings before PE, and my dad going mental cos I was in the shower so long I used up all the hot water. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's the legs- I used to shave my legs at least once a week, more if it was summer or I was going on a night out where you need your legs looking your best i.e. hairless. I think I will come back to the full routine of my 20s in a bit because it gets me a bit exhausted thinking about it. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a teenager I was obsessed with smooth armpits. The thought of wearing a vest top or one of those lovely strapless Tammy Girl crop tops with out shaving my pits, was pretty much unthinkable. It was gross, and quite frankly was not my idea of what a teenage girl should look like. I don't think the girls from Steps were running about in their stunning 00s outfits with armpit fuzz on display.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I started watching Sex And The City when I was about 15, I used it as my guide to womanhood. I was pretty certain I would grow up and write for Vogue, have a full designer wardrobe and sink cocktails every night with three fabulous but so different you were really confused as to how you all became friends friends. In the episode 'Sex And Another City', we see Carrie getting a brazilian, well not the full thing, just the facial expressions that go with someone ripping hair from your groin. The LA episodes are some of my favourite episodes, and as this type of television is so (watch out for the buzzword) aspirational, I could not wait to get one myself. It was such a sure sign of successful womanhood. Like I said I was 15, so there was no need at all for a brazilian. I think I am telling you this to give you an idea of how intense the media pressure was for girls of my generation was to remove any body hair you had.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This SATC episode really did start to form the basis of my personal grooming regime. For most of my 20s, oh when I think about this....., it feels like so much time and money was wasted on hair removal, time that could be spent on sitting down and money that could be spent on alcohol (sorry I mean university recommended reading). Once a week, usually coinciding with a big night out would be the day of hair removal, that's when I would go for the long shower. I'd start by Immac'ing the bikini area, have you ever used Immac/Veet - is it gross, burns if it is left on too long and stinks. Yes you are putting chemicals onto your skin that will burn your skin if they are left on too long. After like the most boring 10 mins of my life, time to pop in the shower, get rid of the smell best you can, wash your body, head hair - (don't bother with any other hair - it is coming off anyway), then a leave in conditioner. After the conditioner is applied, that's your time to shave the legs, pits and any parts the immac left. I need a nap just writing that down. The worst bit of shaving your legs living in a freezing student flat is that when you're getting changed into your clothes, you'll get a shiver and bam your legs are hairy again. I also forgot to mention all the body scrubbing as well, to get rid of all the ingrown hairs that I had created myself.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I am pretty much of the opinion, if my no one is seeing my legs they are going to be hairy. I have even worn nude tights because I can't be bothered shaving my legs - so not fashion, but very much K Middy at a Royal Event. I know some of you will be thinking - oh but what if a guy is going to see my legs?! My answer is simple - black opaque hold ups. Super sexy, and the hairy legs stay hidden, or get your legs out - guys do not care. If they do that is another story all together. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel recently there has been a move away from all this hair removal, well maybe not all of it. Pubic hair seems to be getting a little less sphinx cat and more seventies porn. I for one am behind this. Maybe it's being lazy, but I am quite enjoying not smelling Veet on my skin. Gywinnie has spoken about her <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2315385/Did-Cameron-Diaz-Gwyneth-Paltrows-70s-vibe-pubic-hair-forced-bikini-line-trim.html" target="_blank">70s vibe going on </a>, and even after speculation that Cameron Diaz made her get rid of it, Cameron <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2597006/Cameron-Diaz-clears-stance-pubic-hair-Graham-Norton-Show-appearance.html" target="_blank">agrees it has a purpose.</a> Armpit hair has also made a come back, most recently <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3064005/Pit-party-Miley-Cyrus-strips-blue-crop-tiny-black-shorts-treats-fans-funny-waxing-snaps-Instagram.html" target="_blank">Miley Cyrus has dyed her's pink</a> - and I love it. I am not sure if it is my commitment to the 90s grunge look, I have decided to grow out my own (my younger self who was horrified by Julia Roberts hairy pits will be shocked). So far I am about 5 days in - I'm aiming for about two weeks, just to see if I like it. Might even dye it pink as well. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All we need is for Kim K to rock it, and we will have a trend....sigh... Imagine if Kim K did for arm pit hair what she has done for contouring.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-7217554157116244882015-02-14T06:34:00.000-08:002015-02-14T06:34:06.884-08:00My love letter to Valentine's Day.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cannot get enough of Valentine's day. I just love it. It is a kind of weird day split between romantic couples and sad, lonely singles. I however don't see it like that - and I don't know that I ever have. I'm gonna talk you through my history of loving love day! I think to start with I always loved getting valentine's cards, even although they were always from my parents when I was a kid (and I wasn't aware, or maybe was but just pretended I wasn't), it was so exciting! Who was my mystery admirer - although surely your scope for suitors has to be pretty small when you're a kid, yukky boys from school or maybe like one of the Power Rangers, the red one probably. So I guess that happens for a few years until it gets weird for your Dad to send you the card.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then before you know it you are a teenager, in my head I am pretty adamant that (in my group of friends), the guys and girls didn't really fancy each other and just liked hanging out. Plus I was a ginger - so I'm not sure I was that fanciable as a teenager. I think this is when I got into the proper romance of valentines though. I am about to share with you images of one of my prized belongings - and no it's not more photos of my teddy bear Important Ted. I have a massive magazine collection, which has everything in it from australian bridal magazines to old copies of Kerrang! with Muse on the front cover. Yes, that is correct I am about to show you an old battered copy of the Sunday Herald Magazine from 11th February 2002.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So for starters it has the most beautiful imagine of Marilyn Monroe - much replicated and never bettered - I'm looking at you Lohan.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2R1MhH5DPfTBtISEDrqeibYw7-f1aIdSQdbJR0MCrq9wdDPAZ5eILE71QgtPLuKwOFf-bXvv7qAHchP4NVvfuiXmsGQ2NXo_zLAwEHGDVD_gcA5xAoGu1F-tOK-p3UW4VvIsg-ZFYb6o/s1600/IMG_5527.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2R1MhH5DPfTBtISEDrqeibYw7-f1aIdSQdbJR0MCrq9wdDPAZ5eILE71QgtPLuKwOFf-bXvv7qAHchP4NVvfuiXmsGQ2NXo_zLAwEHGDVD_gcA5xAoGu1F-tOK-p3UW4VvIsg-ZFYb6o/s1600/IMG_5527.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Possibly the most influential part of this magazine on my 15 year old self was the amazing article on Joe Corre and Serena Rees and their lingerie company Agent Provocateur. I'm not kidding - for my 21st birthday when a lot of my friends were getting jewellery and other keepsakes - I got my first full set of Agent Provocateur lingerie. From the <a href="http://www.agentprovocateur.com/lingerie/bras/info/love-bra~black" target="_blank">Love</a> collection if you're interested. I think this is where I got the idea that Valentine's should be a day of luxury and extravagance, spoiling yourself if there is no one else to do it. For being 15 I was oh so wise I think you'll agree. It was at about this time at Agent Provocateur released a collaboration with Marks and Spencer, which of course I managed to treat myself to, it was the only way at that time I was getting anywhere near to owning AP underwear myself. Cringingly perhaps was that during the sunday herald article they mentioned S&M quite a bit, and I was like Mum - they keep on typing M&S wrong - silly journalists. So I was wise, but still a little innocent.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSNJQ-hcdBmTIkAsGAR5XZyIWTYsEl29Iev5EQplddscmbaPmj9B5SAJ5q2XDujxT3ClS3teOlaspZKsIaNmTV_ipPYKPQahXn91O01-wXvZtYAx99v7JzPZdXC4NoQJHUANjfpD4M6Q/s1600/IMG_5530.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSNJQ-hcdBmTIkAsGAR5XZyIWTYsEl29Iev5EQplddscmbaPmj9B5SAJ5q2XDujxT3ClS3teOlaspZKsIaNmTV_ipPYKPQahXn91O01-wXvZtYAx99v7JzPZdXC4NoQJHUANjfpD4M6Q/s1600/IMG_5530.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then as mentioned on the front cover there is a section on celebrities between the sheets. These images are too cute not to share. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh Sunday Herald how punny are you - The Lie-In King. Yes. Anyways - back to me, I think for the next couple of years I had a boyfriend so got right into the whole valentines thing - and by that I don't mean OTT cards and teddy bears holding silky red love hearts (totally fine if you are into that, I just don't happen to be), I mean that I gave him my last Rolo - remember when that was a thing (?), oh and that year he gave me tickets to see Jimmy Eat World. I do still feel bad about that! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I went to uni Valentines became all about friends - I was so very single during my time at uni, I think I was too busy being ill - or having fun - maybe studying, but mostly being ill. During my time at the Candy Store - the most magical student flat that was ever created, we used to have a Valentine's Day which we affectionately called the Valentine's Day Massacre, it usually involved lunch, day drinking, shopping and a trip to Ann Summers. It really was always a riot and I think of it fondly.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what does Valentine's Day involve this year? Needless to say I have been super excited about Valentine's since about 20th January. I am single this year - in keeping with the theme of my twenties, and as it turns out I am quite enjoying it. I am spending the day with the love of my life*. I've had a kind of small love, big hate relationship with myself over the past 10 or so years (see previous posts to discover the shit show that has been my 20s), and now I feel that I can look at myself and be with myself in a way that is only loving on this Valentines. I think it is easy to be anti-valentine's when you are single, but who needs that kind of hate in their life? I am spending today doing my favourite things, eating yummy food, drinking champagne and at some point I will have a Lush bath with some of their lovely Valentine's day collection. So whatever you do today, have a great time and remember all love comes from within.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heather xxx</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*It's me dumbass.</span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-85351933263953382152013-09-06T09:59:00.001-07:002013-09-06T09:59:42.789-07:00Oh Fame.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Just in case y'all were snoozing last week - I was in the paper! Speaking out about mental health, depression, self harm, panic attacks and all those lovely topics. On the bright side I got to mention how hypnotherapy was helped me. You can read the article <a href="http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/health-fitness/scots-woman-reveals-how-overcame-2234326" target="_blank">here</a>. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Enjoy xxx</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-77081910171603089942013-08-27T13:40:00.000-07:002013-08-27T13:40:34.927-07:00I Went From Zero To My Own Hero<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And I'm back.... talk about your sporadic blogging. Sorry. All I wish to say is that I have been super busy, getting back into life again. There have been some big changes. I have started driving again, which is something I hadn't done for ages as I was scared about having a panic attack while driving. That feels like another life time ago now that I am back driving, I don't think about it. I'm just doing small local journeys just now, but I'll just keep on building on this, going longer and further drives until I get my confidence back completely.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have also started eating meat again, after being a veggie for almost 10 years. For the first few days I tried fish, which I loved, and then went onto a big ole steak at the end of the week. It feels so weird to eat meat again, I think I feel better for it. That's just a personal thing, and I think when yo've had ill health you'll try anything to get better. Such as changing your diet - I don't think my veggie diet was that great, so hopefully my diet will be better now. It is also so nice to eat the same food as everyone else, and not feel like a fussy child when I'm at a restaurant. IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR ALL EATING ESTABLISHMENTS- not all vegetarians like mushrooms and/or goat's cheese, it might be better to fire in some stuffed peppers or something like that to the mix. Rant over. Phew.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">As you can see from the photos I have also gone back to a bit of the old dip dye. Which again feels pretty good. I'm actually starting to care about how I look again. It wasn't too great when I went through the phase of wearing the same thing all the time, and not bothering with make up. So not me when I'm feeling 100%. I love make up too much!!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What else? I have gone back to singing lessons. I used to go to singing lessons when I was a teenager, but never really spent a lot of time performing. Now I'm well again, I want to get into performing and song writing. All things that fell onto the back burner when I wasn't well.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My Mum and Dad were on holiday at the start of August. They spent time at the boat, and I went along too. It was lovely, and the weather was pretty good. Not as nice as it had been a few weeks before, but that suited me fine as I don't think I could cope with sunburn again - I know I know, SPF is my friend. I just never get to see the sun so I forgot what kind of damage it would do.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Yeah I know the sunburn looks amazing - at least it matches my Ray Bans. And the wee sleepy pup on my lap is Sophie, she's 13, which is pretty old for a cocker spaniel, but she'll always be a puppy in my eyes. Barf- that was a bit soppy but I do love my wee dug.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There are also a few other things that are in motion just now, hopefully I'll be able to talk about them soon. Keeping my fingers crossed!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Thanks for reading,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Hello every one, first off I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my previous <a href="http://freeherdesire.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/have-you-seen-me-lately.html" target="_blank">post</a>, I cannot believe the response I have had. I have spoken to so many people who have been though something similar. To know that I'm not the only one, has been so reassuring. So what has been happening in the past week? Well I feel like I am starting to feel much better. The fact I can go to the supermarket and not feel like I need to chase my mum about like a little kid. Honestly thought we were going to need <a href="http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10052&catalogId=11051&productId=1030&langId=-1&callingViewName&cm_mmc=Paid%20Search-_-Plusbox-_-Link-_-BootsWristReins&cm_mmc=bmm-_-google-_-Boots+Beauty-_-Beauty+-+PLAs" target="_blank">wrist reigns</a> at some point. Now - I am free!! Woo! I don't even just mean in the supermarket sense, but even being able to go a walk to the shops if I fancy, or go and meet friends. I feel a lot more confident in being able to go out by myself, although it is still a work in progress. I have still had to coax myself in to going out, in the past week the thought of going out has been a bit scary, but in most cases when I go out I have a great time, no panic attacks, and if I do feel anxious it kind of passes. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Two weekends a go I would say is when I really noticed the difference, being able to go shopping and be comfortable - well as comfortable as you can be in a mall with artificial lights and central heating on in June. I went to my lovely next door neighbours wedding. Which I enjoyed so much, I was able to be fully in the moment, and the thought of leaving never crossed my mind, where previously this would have been racing through my head. I also got some good photos with my folks. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Also lets just take a moment to look at how big my hair is in the first photo in this post, compared to how it looked later that night. Honestly my hair doesn't hold volume. Haha! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I do at some point want to talk about hypnotherapy as this is what has helped me turn everything around. I am going to speak to my hypnotherapist first though, because I want to make sure I'm writing about it properly. Got to do these things right, after all.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I was also trying to think about what other tips I have picked up. Breathing is amazing, like I know in general it's grand, but breathing properly really sorts out your body & mind. Nice deep breathing, is really relaxing, and can be done anywhere. Although I used to feel a tad self conscious doing this in public, I was worried someone was going to be over and be like - 'how far apart are your contractions?, you're doing great'. Thank full this never happened. Exercise is rather good for you, I used to roll my eyes at this because my sofa is almost attached to me - oh the shame. I started swimming when I was running out of options of things to help, bought myself a proper swimsuit and goggles, and went for it. It was the only thing that I actually enjoyed enough to make me want to leave the house. It's nice because it makes you aware of your body, and how the movement of my arms and legs, functions of my heart and lungs keep me moving, and my head above water (haha in all senses). </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Another wee tip I follow, is to have faith. Can be religious if that's your thing, but faith in other people, and if you can do it, faith yourself will help you get through. Seeing the good in people always makes me feel better, and stops me thinking about negative people/situations. If I think about someone I don't get on with, I try to thing about their good points, maybe a skill they have or I dunno, good at their job or something, and it makes me feel better about that person, and I feel pretty good about myself for being the bigger person. Before you know it you'll be feeling better and go for wild nights out with your best pals. This is a photo of me and my bestie Michelle on Thursday night. Actually going out for a drink and staying out to get tipsy is progress - as I said to my therapist 'I feel like I've released the beast'. Uh oh.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Obviously I'm not saying go out and get plastered, but being able to go out for a couple of drinks and being able to relax is something I enjoy. Ooft serious bit there, but anyone who deals with mental health will tell you that drinking is not a wise idea. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Also having a song that makes you feel better helps psych you up for the day, or even help if you're out and about. This is mine, and I think the title is so appropriate. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Thanks again for reading, </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-70413344274054509702013-06-18T15:06:00.001-07:002013-07-31T11:03:46.636-07:00Have You Seen Me Lately?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is kind of a different post from me today. Obvs including the massive font - but that's just for easier reading. Let me just start by saying I really have to explain myself, I have been MIA since 31st March. That is a very very very long time in the blogging world, where most people seem to manage to post most days, or even once a week. So I can only apologise for those of you who have been following my blog. So where have I been?! Well I have been in what I can only describe as a hell of my own making. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think for about the past 13 to 14 years (my god that seems like a long time, it's not been constant thankfully) I've had quite a struggle with anxiety related depression, and self harm. It has been pretty sh*t, I've left uni and gone back so many times. I knew I had the brain power to do uni, but the way my anxiety worked was for a wee voice in my head to second guess my ability, and tell me I wasn't good enough. When I think about this now it's quite upsetting, I know many people who found strength in being able to study, work hard and achieve great results. This is not how it went for me. I didn't go to lectures because I hated being in a room full of other people, comparing myself to them being overwhelmed by how much more 'into' the subjects they were than I was. The idea of going to a lecture hall for me would be like walking into an exam for other people. Can you imagine trying to do that every day? Don't even get me started on going to the library and taking books out, that was pretty scary for some reason. Oh and exams, I missed one of my first exams at uni because I had been so worried I threw up in the library. Aces. I know I sound like I'm joking my way through this, but it's sort of a coping mechanism, and to be honest mental health problems can be ridiculously debilitating. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was lucky during my time in Glasgow from 2003 -2009, that I lived with a very caring group of girls, who really helped me during the times I was at my lowest. They were also the first ones that I confided in about my self harm. There are only so many times you can make excuses about cuts on your arms and legs. At first it was the self harm that made me want to get help. I tried CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) at The Priory, as I was told this would help with my type of illness. I found CBT to very useful in helping me deal with my negative thoughts, and replacing them with more positive ones. I attended The Priory as an outpatient for a few years, for different lengths of time. Firstly when I was about 19, and later after my Gran died when I was about 23. In 2009 I couldn't handle living in Glasgow anymore, I fled to my parent's house, and have remained here since.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From 2009 to 2012 I was working for my Dad full time as an office junior, I was also DJing on Friday and Saturday nights in Glasgow. At first I really enjoyed this, working gave me a structure that I didn't have when I was at uni, I had money and I was still going through to Glasgow at weekends - so it didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I began to feel that I needed a change, and in 2012 I looked into different courses, to hopefully find my true passion in life. At the start of this year I had been feeling ok, and if the future Heather had come to me and said -'look out -you're headed for choppy water!', I wouldn't have believed her. I felt fine, maybe not as happy as normal, maybe needing a change of scenery, but that was it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PANIC ATTACKS. Up until about last August if you had asked me what I thought a panic attack was, I would have said something that makes your breathing weird, then you breathe into a paper bag, and then you're ok. Well I found out that was rather wrong. The first time I had one - I thought I was dying. I was on a train heading home from Glasgow, sweat was dripping off me, I was shaking, I felt like I needed to go to the toilet or throw up - either way it felt like something was going to be leaving my body very soon. I started to check my pulse because I thought my heart was going to stop beating/or had stopped beating - (as I said I thought I was dying). On the journey I didn't know if I should actually get off the train and go to hospital, or stay on and head home. I waited till I got home, but still felt awful. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I never for one minute appreciated how much of a physical affect a panic attack has on you. In the days after I was left with lingering chest pains, which only made my anxiety worse. In my mind, it was a sure sign I was having a heart attack. At this point I was able to continue to work and see friends, but this didn't last. Soon the panic became bigger than me. Took over completely, and left me unable to leave the house by myself. My amazingly supportive Mum became my security blanket on the ocasions I did need to leave the house. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From August last year till February 2013 I was off work, for the most part unable to go anywhere. When I did go out, it was a case of rushing to the doctors and getting back to the sanctuary of my living room in a big sweaty mess. I spent most days in my pjs, and went days without showering, I thought I could avoid leaving the house if I didn't get changed. When friends came through to see me, it meant so much, but it was still so stressful, walking to meet people off the train was a big event. I was starting to feel really down, because I was trapped in my house, the outside world was overwhelming, and frankly dangerous. I felt like everyone was off having an amazing time going on with their lives, but I was stuck on pause. Waiting for this feeling to end. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I went back to work on 1st February, and a month later I had to be signed off again. I had really tried to get better by getting back into working, and socialising. Getting the train home from work was terrifying, and about an hour before I finished I would be getting stressed out about walking up to the train station. I honestly believed my heart was going to stop beating, and I was going to die. My Mum would try to help me reason with my thoughts, but I couldn't get the thoughts of something terrible happening to me out of my head.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had been referred to a nurse who deals with mentally ill people, quite early on, she gave me lots of sheets on panic attacks, and relaxation exercises. These were quite useful, breathing technique which would help me calm down if I was having a panic attack, however it didn't remove - what was now a fact in my mind 'there is something really wrong with you - you are ill, and something bad is going to happen'. I ended up being referred to a psychiatrist, I finally felt that I was getting the help that I felt I needed after months of going back and forth between my doctor and the nurse. I had a full blood test, and the test confirmed that I was A-OK, I also had previously had an ECG which proved there was nothing wrong with my heart. Both of these facts reassured me, and it was also really great to speak to the psychiatrist as this is what they deal with every day. She allowed me to realise I wasn't going mad, and helped me see a light at the end of the tunnel. In the weeks running up to this I would have said I was at my lowest, and suicide did cross my mind as my only way to stop feeling like this.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the past month I feel like I am coming out of the darkness, and moving towards the light. Will we call it dusk? Ok - right now I am in dusk. What I would say has helped me personally has been hypnotherapy. The results have been pretty amazing. I feel like I am getting almost back to my old self. I feel stronger. I can now help my brain work out when I feel anxious if it's something I need to be worrying about or not. I'm still not super happy about going out by myself, but I am getting there. And I can see that it will get better with time. I will get my independence back. I have also made a lot of lifestyle changes as well, I have started exercising, eating regularly, limited the amount of caffeine I drink, and I try not to drink alcohol too often. When I was becoming increasingly anxious I found myself drinking a bit more, which made me feel crap. I'm also trying to find constructive things to do with my time, trying out some new hobbies. I've always fancied horse riding, so I'm looking into giving that a go soon. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the weirdest things that happened to me when I was ill last year/this year was that I had to stop listening to music, music made my skin crawl. I could hardly listen to music with out feeling physically sick. Music had been my reason to get out of bed in the morning, I never saw this happening. When I had been down before I had always found my comfort in music, this really unsettled me. In the past few weeks I have been able to listen to some music again, and as I write this I am listening to an old playlist and am rather enjoying it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I should also mention that I am on medication, as well. This has been a long road to find something that has worked for me. Some medications that some people swear by, really did nothing for me. I am also on a combination of a few tablets.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not really sure how to end this post, I am not magically better. I do feel better today, and I can hope that continues. I appreciate that I might not tomorrow, but now the good days seem to be outweighing the bad. Which after days with about 80% bad, and 20% good, this feels better than I could imagine. I hope that if you are reading this and feeling low or panicky that it helps to know you are not alone. If you are reading this and you've never felt this way, I hope it helps you understand if you know someone that has these problems. I know that mental health is somewhat of a taboo topic, but it is something I wanted to discuss to help break a bit of this down. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you would like to learn more I recommend these sites. If there are any that I should add, or that you recommend please let me know.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Samh - <a href="http://www.samh.org.uk/" target="_blank">http://www.samh.org.uk/</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mind - <a href="http://www.mind.org.uk/" target="_blank">http://www.mind.org.uk/</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Human Givens - <a href="http://www.humangivens.com/" target="_blank">http://www.humangivens.com/</a></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would also like to thank some people who have been amazing through my illness, I wouldn't have got through this if it wasn't for you, and I am so grateful, mostly that you have put up with me in the non-showering jammas days. Caitlin, thanks for coming and sitting with me, I enjoyed watching lots of Horrible Histories. Chris, thank you for helping me keep my chin up, driving me to appointments and having a drink with me when it was needed. Dave, I'm sorry DTI didn't work out how we hoped but I think our friendship now goes beyond DJing haha. Dan and Lorna, thanks for coming out to see me, and bringing a taste to glasgow to my home town. Dezzy, thanks for spending Xmas time with me, New Years was pretty special. Eve, thanks for your visits, hopefully we can do some fabulous fashion stuff soon. Hannah Toptee thanks for coming to see me on your visits to LGS. Michelle - thanks for the tea afternoons, and coming to look after me when I was a panicky mess. Megan, thanks for keeping in touch via our Skype dates, I really enjoy them. Scott Simpson, thanks for being there and liking my pizza. I am so honoured to have Kenneth and Elizabeth as my parents, they have been amazingly supportive, even when I was really struggling. My Scott always makes me laugh even in the dark days. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am now really worried I have missed people out. If I have give me a bop on the nose the next time you see me. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks for reading this. If you want to ask me anything, leave me a comment and I'll answer the best I can. :)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-5187464327977045532013-03-31T11:09:00.001-07:002013-03-31T11:09:37.725-07:00Spare Your Blushes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Well we all went a wee bit nuts over the new Mac collection didn't we? Even us brits where Archie comics aren't really a thing. Suckers. Now I know everyone always goes for the lipsticks, but I love the blushers in limited edition collections. I have blushes from the Heatherette collection that I bought in NYC, and an absolutely gorgeous blush from the Liberty London collection (that I bought in Frasers in Glasgow, not the same as NYC but hey ho). As much as I love these blushers, it's the packaging that really stands out for me, and I love having these as compacts in my make up bag - they're just too damn cute. Also there is no expiration date for powders if you look after them, so you can keep them for as long as you wish. Veronica's Blush from the Archie's Girls collection is no exception, but what I think adds to the appeal of this blush is the pink/red hearts which are, bedded into the pink blush - I mean how do they even do that?!! No wait don't tell me - I want to picture Mac Fairies in my head, running about in a magical make up land, sprinkling fairy dust all over the place and creating beautiful products. I am sure the Mac product developers would be overjoyed to hear that. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Sorry about this photo, it was the best of a bad, bad bunch. (what is my hair doing?!)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So as we have taken care of the packaging, now to the actual blush. It is pretty standard, unfortunately doesn't paint love hearts on your face - if you really like the look of that you have to do it yourself ;). It is a really pretty pinky colour when it's on, it almost has a kind of bluey tint to it, and a beautiful shimmer. I think this will be really lovely for spring, it is quite subtle, natural and fresh. Can we have some spring like weather now please?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What did you think of the Archie's Girls collection? What do you think of the Mac limited editions in general, do you get frustrated if you fall in love with a product and then can't buy it again? Do you love the packaging as much as I do?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-18965125729901258032013-03-27T10:44:00.000-07:002013-03-27T10:44:21.460-07:00Hot Hot Heat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Elnett Heat Protect Spray Volume (£5.99, <a href="http://www.boots.com/en/LOreal-Elnett-Heat-Protect-Spray-Volume-170ml_1282765/" target="_blank">Boots</a>)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am going to be honest, I'm not really one for heat protection sprays. I don't straighten or curl my hair very often, and I prefer to wait for my hair to dry naturally, and then give it a wee blast dry at the end, otherwise my hair can look a bit lank. I hadn't really given heat protection sprays much though, as my hair never seems damaged, no matter how horrible I am to it. Not showing off, it's just the way it is, believe me - it lets me down in others ways. This heat protection spray was brought to my attention due to a rather -you will see this on tv, and in every magazine you buy until you buy this - campaign from L'Oreal featuring our wee Chezza. Let's face it - that's enough for most of us to pick up a L'Oreal product. I am already a fan of their hairsprays (who isn't), so I was very excited to try this. There are three different sprays in the collection, one for curls, one for straightening and one for volume. If you have read my blog before you know that I am always on the search for anything to add volume to my hair. I really, really, really, really like this. It works so well, as it is a heat protector it doesn't dry your hair out as other volume boosting products. It holds your style really well, you can feel it gripping your hair - like a hairspray. I bought this quite a while ago, and I still have quite a bit left. I also like that it keeps you hair looking fresh, you can leave a day in between washing your hair. All over - I can't compliment this product enough. </span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-941008851981342592013-03-13T13:12:00.001-07:002013-03-13T13:12:51.702-07:00The Ick Factor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have been sitting with my laptop on my knee for a while trying to work out how to word this blogpost - without feeling like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTkjalQraFk" target="_blank">Dawn Porter talking about wiping bums.</a> I know we all like reading about the latest Mac collections or a new range of Barry M nail varnishes, but sometimes it's good to know what works for the -shall we say - unsightly beauty issues that plague our otherwise perfect looks. Lolzers. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Right moving on, for the past few months I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, and it has had an affect on my skin. Most notably my scalp. YUK! So even after I have washed my hair my scalp was flaking about all over the shop and made me feel like my hair was still dirty. DOUBLE YUK! After giving Head and Shoulders a go and not noticing a great difference, I decided to look to Lush for a cure after the rip-roaring success of the <a href="http://freeherdesire.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/my-daily-ish-shower-routine.html" target="_blank">BIG shampoo</a>. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I was right to look to Lush - I have fallen in love with another product of theirs - Superbalm (£12.00, from <a href="https://www.lush.co.uk/product/6029/Superbalm-for-Scalps" target="_blank">Lush</a>). On the website they say that this is a treatment you should use to remove product build up. For me the main benefit of this product is soothing an itchy scalp, and removing those double yuk flakes. It has a lovely lavender smell, which is nice and relaxing. It starts off as a balm, and then melts into an oil, which you then massage into your scalp - this can be a bit tricky, especially if you have long hair like me. I usually end up sectioning my hair to make sure the product goes on my scalp rather than my hair. My hair is fine, and if this isn't washed out properly then it can weight it down. It's always good to give your hair a few shampoos after you use this, but I find that the BIG shampoo takes any greasiness out of my hair. I use this once a week, and I am really pleased with the results.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-68262343607742957942013-03-13T12:38:00.003-07:002013-03-13T12:38:58.337-07:00Glasgow Haul<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I forgot to post this video when I made it the other week. Enjoy! :) </span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-39167948155764725602013-02-11T07:06:00.000-08:002013-02-11T07:06:23.849-08:00Comfort and Joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Oh my - what's this? Oh right it's the first post of February - on the 11th of said month. Apologies to avid readers of Free Her Desire, this is mostly due to being back at work, which has left me knackered, and when I get in I can barely stay awake to watch tv, never mind blog. Meh. I also have a little stye under my eyelid, which popped up over the weekend, I've not really been wanting to put make up on as I don't want to make it worse, so I've not been able to do posts that involve me wearing make up. This has been rather annoying, as I bought some Sleek eyelashes a few weeks ago, and I cannot wait to do a wee review of them on here. They are so sixties, and stunning. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Anyways - moving on, it's the horrible time of year where the Christmas festivities are over and we're left struggling through the rest of winter. By the time February comes, most resolutions have fallen by the wayside, and spending (and drinking ;)) bans tend to be over. One skincare resolution that I started a few months back was to use body lotions as soon as I stepped out the shower, the difference to my skin has been amazing. You can read my heroes post <a href="http://freeherdesire.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/heroes.html" target="_blank">here</a>. I do find that at nighttime I like to put a heavier cream on over night for an extra boost. I had received this Comforting Night Butter (£10.25, <a href="http://www.boots.com/en/Sanctuary-Comforting-Night-Butter-200ml_1211085/" target="_blank">here</a>) from the Sanctuary's Sleep collection as part of a gift set last christmas, and as soon as I finished it I had to buy the full sized one. I LOVE this product, it honestly smells like Black Orchid by Tom Ford, which is my signature scent - I'm pretty sure auld Tom must have had me in mind when he made it. Also, can we just take a moment to think about how great Tom Ford looks for his years.......wow. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This cream is super moisturising, but doesn't feel like it takes too long to be absorbed by your skin - for this reason it sometimes sneaks its way into my day time skincare routine. The blend of oils used to make this butter are blended to promote sleep, and relax muscles, I can't say I have noticed feeling more relaxed when I use this, but as I've said the smell is beautiful.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My only complaint I would have about this is that the tub is quite small for the £10.25 price, maybe I'm just being greedy though - as I would love a never ending tub of this body butter.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx </span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-16324506549189320342013-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:002013-01-29T13:09:00.785-08:00Mii<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">As Christmas tradition dictates in the McCartney household, the women (read me and my mum) are gifted <a href="http://www.stobocastle.co.uk/" target="_blank">Stobo</a> gift vouchers from my Dad. This leads to another end of year tradition, which involves my mother frantically calling Stobo towards the end of November/start of December trying to book a spa day on a day where we are both free before the vouchers run out. I think we might have broken our own record this year and were there on 3rd December.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">You would be forgiven in thinking that this post is going to be about Stobo Castle, but no it is instead a post on a make-up brush I purchased while I was there this year. This guy here - </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I hadn't heard of the brand Mii before as it seems to be only available in salons, but they have a website you can view <a href="http://www.miicosmetics.com/" target="_blank">here</a>. They also have hand little tutorial videos, which let's face it are always fun! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When I was training to become a make up artist at the very wonderful <a href="http://www.theacademyofmakeup.com/" target="_blank">Academy of Make-Up</a> (if you fancy a career in make up, the courses they offer are amazing - not to mention the <a href="http://www.theacademyofmakeup.com/aftercare.html" target="_blank">aftercare programme</a> which is fab), I became obsessed with foundation brushes. I don't think I had fully appreciated, the different finishes you can achieve from different brushes. My favourite brush that I used during my time at The Academy of Make-up was a buffing brush to smooth over foundation. While this brush from Mii isn't a buffing brush per se it does provide a bit more buffing than a flat foundation brush. I would say that this brush sits happily between the two. I like using this brush when I am rushing to apply my make up - as means everything is blended in rather quickly with no mess. It also has a nice pointed shape, which makes it good for a round about the nose. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I love this brush - it's such an unusual shape, has anyone else got a foundation brush like this? And on another note - how are we pronouncing this? In my head I'm doing a kinda mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thing, but I don't think that is right, I think it is very wrong indeed.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-55205206169617605872013-01-28T08:00:00.001-08:002013-01-28T08:00:33.533-08:00Ambience For Ambience Sake<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">All the single ladies, all the single ladies. Now put your hands up - yeah this is my jam. I am pretty much Miss Single McSingleton, to the point that I am considering getting a couple of cats, and donning a wedding dress a la <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Havisham" target="_blank">Miss Havisham</a>. Anyways - I still think it's nice for my boudoir to have a bit of atmosphere (and I know that doesn't come from the clothes strewn on the floor, and make-up littering every shelf - don't worry guys that youtube room tour is on its way). I like to add a bit of ambience to my room while I'm sitting watching Arrested Development on Netflix by lighting a few candles. Yeah, yeah I know what y'all are thinking - and no I'll not be teaching you how to suck eggs after this. So here are a couple of my favourite scented candles for your consideration*.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I had been given this candle from <a href="http://www.thewhitecompany.com/perfect-little-presents/perfect-little-presents/pomegranate-signature-candle/" target="_blank">The White Company</a> as a Christmas gift, it is not something I would have bought for myself, as £20 seems quite expensive for something you're burning = makes me feel like I'm burning my money = makes me feel a bit guilty. I would have to say though the scent from this candle is right up my street, deep, fruity and musky. I love the smell of this wafting though my room, especially at this time of year, where you want things in your house that make you feel cosy. I would say this scent is the candle equivalent of sheepskin slippers and DVD boxsets. I will most certainly be buying this again, it has been a most enjoyed gift.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The second lot of candles and holders I am enjoying - are from <a href="http://www.partylite.co.uk/" target="_blank">PartyLite</a>. I had also received these as Christmas gifts. If you've not heard of PartyLite - they do have a website, and they also do candle parties. Not my sort of thing- as I've said I spend my spare time in my room watching tv shows on Netflix on my laptop. These candles and holders are from the Forbidden Fruits collection - how very boudoir. The first thing I'd like to say about these is how strong the candles are. The box for them is sitting on my knee while I'm typing this, and I can smell the Fig Fatale candles that are inside the box. As you can imagine they're even better when they are lit. I love the candle holders, even when I have used all the candles, I think the black holder with the mirror would make a lovely wee trinket box as well. Goes without saying how us girls like small trinket boxes, photo frames and what not. I would also like to add that the product names within the Forbidden Fruits range make me giggle like a school girl - I mean 'Plum Pleasure' - did no one edit the collection before it was submitted to the public?!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">*Awards season is really taking over my little fashion loving brain.</span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-84499871131600657582013-01-25T05:20:00.002-08:002013-01-25T05:20:59.193-08:00My Lipgloss is Poppin'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Ok you got me, I'm not actually going to be talking about lipgloss, however I do love <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ck6TJQ5Ow" target="_blank">this song by Lil Mama</a>. Yeah It's gonna take me about an hour or so to write this post cos I'll be going back to youtube and watching the video. I've never really been a lipstick fan - I tend to put on lipbalm once I've done my make up and thats me. My lips are naturally quite dark, so unless I want to do a statement lip, then I tend not to bother. Last year when I was needing a new red lipstick, I bought <a href="http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=21&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=1928619&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208567&parent_categoryId=208495&pageSize=20" target="_blank">Hazard</a> from Topshop. I found that it was a really strong colour, and lasted for ages. Fast forward a year, and I was wanting to update my make-up kit, I thought some Topshop lipsticks might be the answer. I am usually a fan of darker shades, so I went for some brighter pinks and a coral shade to get me in the mood for spring.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The first I tested was Innocent (£8.00, <a href="http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=21&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=2256909&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208567&parent_categoryId=208495&pageSize=20" target="_blank">Topshop</a>). This one is one of my favourites, as it applied to well. I built up the colour using a lip brush, but I didn't use a lot of product. This is a 'velvet finish moisturising' lipstick, but I found it applies very well. Unlike the other lipsticks in a similar finish, but we'll move on to those later. The colour is quite nice, and natural for my lip colour. The only thing I would say is it kind of reminds me of the episode of Family Guy where Peter goes blind and Lois stops wearing make up, as her lips are this colour. That sounds weird but it is just what it reminded me of. I do still really like this lipstick despite the Family Guy connection. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The next lipstick I tested was Macaroon (£8.00, <a href="http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=1&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=8457063&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208567&parent_categoryId=208495&pageSize=20" target="_blank">Topshop</a>). I loved the colour of this in the tube, however when I applied it, the colour didn't really pop the same way that Innocent did. I applied it the same way I did with Innocent, but it was a lot less pigmented. I found that is highlighted any dry skin (sorry guys but it's winter and my lips do tend to dry up a bit when I don't have balm on them). Also my natural lip colour shone through a wee bit. This is a nice alternative to a gloss I would say, but not really lipstick coverage as I would imagine from a lipstick.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The next one was Charmed (£8.00, <a href="http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=1&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=8456985&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208567&parent_categoryId=208495&pageSize=20" target="_blank">Topshop</a>), this is described as a peach colour on the website, but I would say it is more of a coral shade. This one for me, also had the same problem as Macaroon, I seemed to have to apply loads to get a decent colour on my lips. It is a nice warm colour that works quite nicely with my Scottish gingery tones.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And the winner is....dun dun dun...oh wait it's not a competition. But with All About Me (£8.00, <a href="http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=21&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=2553870&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208567&parent_categoryId=208495&pageSize=20" target="_blank">Topshop </a> there is no competition between this and the other colours. I've never worn a bright pink lipstick before, but this is beautiful. It is a matt finish which is the same as Hazard, which I love. The colour is so bright, with a slight blue tint, which is really flattering. I think you can tell from the photo I love it!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So there we go, my thoughts on a selection of Topshop lipsticks. Now let's all leave this place, and have a good lol about the fact I mentioned each lipstick came from Topshop - like duh.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8711826352061231600.post-50230414180537621292013-01-20T11:14:00.002-08:002013-01-20T11:14:48.859-08:00Shopping Is Genius<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Just point me at the shops and I'll spend money - doesn't matter what kind of shops, money will just fly out of my purse!! So at least that means I can do haul videos from time to time. Hope you enjoy this one. I'm wearing a topshop lipstick in this vid, that I can't get enough of called All About Me. Look out for a review at the start of the week.</span><div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Here's my video: (also if anyone can help me work out how to beat the thumbnail lottery on youtube that would be fab :) )</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Also Ryan likes a bit of shopping as well:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Heather xxx</span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021855867289455142noreply@blogger.com1