Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Hold Up

So I was on here last week whinging about my mental illness again - as I was having a bad bad day. Fast forward a week and things were not much improved. I managed to go to work on the Monday, however I cried as soon as I got home and then felt really anxious and crap for the rest of the day. On Tuesday I had to go to work, but as soon as I got up the day just felt too much - so I started the day off with a classic crying in the shower. Then cried a lot more when I got out of the shower - I felt in physical pain from how I was feeling - I total ache in my soul.

Long story short - I ended up seeing a doctor yesterday. Seeing a doctor about mental health problems can be a bit hit or miss - sometimes you come out feeling like you have been listened to (which is what happened yesterday), other times you come out feeling worse than you did when you went in. I have had a couple of bad experiences at the doctors recently, during one appointment I was discussing my medication with the doctor, and she said to me 'that sounds a bit like you are self medicating to me'. To give a bit of back ground to this - I take Quetiapine at night - two 25mg tables, I used to take much much more, and I used to take one tablet in the morning, I had also been advised that I could take a Quetiapine tablet if I was having a panic attack and that would help calm me down, this is in my notes but not my recent notes so I can see the confusion for the doctor - especially as I was in to talk about something else. So needless to say I came out of that appointment feeling a little bit shell shocked !!! 

This time was totally different, the doctor really listened to me, and helped me to see that this is just a wee blip, and I would be back on track soon. She said to me you know how to get better, you have done it before, so you just need a little bit of time to get yourself feeling better. She also suggested changing the dosage of the medication that I take - so another 50 mg Quetiapine during the day - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. She also increased the anti depressant that I take as well. Everything I was on for the past few months has been really low dose - so an increase will just give me a wee boost to get back on my feet. This doctor also said that taking the Quetiapine during the day would help, and to carry some in my bag in case I feel panicky when I am out and about. All good advice. She was asking me how long I have felt like this, and I said since about the start of the year, after having a panic attack out of nowhere on the train back from uni - it really knocked my confidence, and from that I have found travelling really difficult again. I also said - and I cringe as I am reliving this moment - I just don't think I have been right since David Bowie died. As if he was my best pal, and I was gutted we wouldn't get to hang out every day. 2016 has been a bit of a shiter so far - don't get me wrong lovely things have happened, but some really shit things have happened. Anyways that is by the by - back to me. 

When I was seeing the Dr I was like - I know the things I can do to make me feel better, eating well, exercise etc - and she was like - that is great, but just now you need to give yourself a break, and then you can get all that stuff in place again. I am really enjoying this blog so far as I have written it like I speak - mostly by saying like all the time, she was like - I was like blah blah blah.

I think things are on the up again - feeling a bit calmer with the tablets, managed to go to work today, with a lot of support from my fantastic co-workers and volunteers who were amazing. I have spent the day taking it easy, and have introduced a wee afternoon nap, which has been nice as a treat, but is not something I want to get into the habit of, I have far to much to do and achieve, and the books I have to read...well what can I say.

Moving seamlessly on to what I am currently reading - One More Thing by BJ Novak and So Sad Today by Melissa Broder, which are both great for when you are not feeling 100%. One More Thing is nice as it is a collection of short stories that you can dip in and out of, and most of them are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. I have had this book for over a year, and kind of forgot about it - picked it up this week and it was like it was meant to be - perfect for when your concentration isn't quite what it should be, but you want to give your brain something to do rather than being left in the prison of your own consciousness (I came over a bit John Green there). So Sad Today has been great, a collection of personal essays that feel like part of my soul - all be it a very dark part of my soul. Her writing is easy to read yet thought provoking, and describes her anxiety and fears of her own mortality in ways that I can completely relate to. Also there is a sexting exchange between her and a guy she meets online that has to be read to be believed.   

So that was the start of my week - talk soon. xxx

(If this got a bit rambly at the end it is because when I woke up from my nap I was really thirsty so I drank about three glasses of irn bru which I can now see has been a mistake, so I am off to flush this out with lots of water - which is what I should have drank in the first place)

Monday, 6 June 2016

Threat Level Midnight

Just a heads up at the start of this - I tried to write this already today, but it didn't go well. Well the writing was ok - then an awful panic attack came over me, and I had to go and lie down, not before I deleted everything I had written.

So today is what I would describe as a black day. I can feel it before I have even woken up. When I wake up there is a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and it feels like my heart is all that I have in my chest - almost like it is sitting in the middle of one of those bungie/trampoline thingys that kids can jump on in funfairs. I started crying before I got up out of bed, and I couldn't stop. I cried through thinking about the day ahead, I cried through breakfast, I cried in the shower, when I got out of the shower and then when I called into work to say that I couldn't come in - which makes me feel terrible because I love my job. I just couldn't see me getting through today.

I spoke with my mum at length, but I just had to settle on the fact that this was one of those days. Yesterday I had felt particularly anxious, a two minute drive up the road to help out at the shed for the Lanimer (google it, if you don't know what it is already :) ) lorry, felt like an impossible task. The whole time I was up there - I could barely help out, as I was so worried about driving the two minutes back home because I felt so horrendous. This makes me feel like a failure - that something as simple as driving up the road, feels like it is completely beyond me - I do need to point out though that for the most part doing stuff like that is ok. 

Self care is so important - eating right, making sure you get enough sleep, exercising, spending time with people who make you feel great - avoiding those who don't, taking time for yourself just to relax - be that reading, going for a walk, petting a dog - or all the dogs - I just want a dog. When everything starts to get a bit much for me - all that stuff goes out the window. It is easy to sit about doing hee haw, rather than things that make you feel good. Like socialising - I find it so easy to say no to things, 'as I can't I'm studying', 'I have this thing coming up' - and after a while the invites stop coming, or you wonder why you've not heard from someone for a while. So today instead of doing a bit of self care I threw myself into the stupid deep end, by going a trip to Tesco - needless to say it was horrible, I made it through two aisles and then begged my mum to get the hell out of there. I should have really just left it for the day, but I wanted to push myself. Which can be a mixed bag - sometimes it works out amazing, and I feel proud of what I have achieved, other much rarer times it goes like today. And that is what I need to remember because - the bad times are in the minority.

On the black days, I don't say dark days as dark gives way to light, and black days don't, everything feels 100% more intrusive, every sound feels like it is much louder than it is, I swear I could hear the grass growing today, my skin crawls, everything aches, my stomach felt so bad I wanted to scream out to make it go away. My brain feel like it is in some kind of foggy syrupy mixture that makes thinking straight and even finishing a sentence impossible. 

I am not too sure why I wanted to write this all down today, but I felt like I had to because if you are reading this and having a noir day too - try not too worry too much, it will pass. Even as I have been sitting writing this, I am feel much better than I did this morning. I feel much better than I did twelve hours ago, which I think is pretty great, not even having to wait a full day for my mood to lift slightly. Suffering is part of being human, and it is not forever. Light always cuts through the darkness - even in a black sky there are all those millions of stars a shining for you to see.

FYI Black day in South Korea is like their Valentines day - so I should be feeling better already.

Would anyone like an update on how I am feeling as the week goes on?

Also if you are an office fan, hope you liked the title. ;)